Feeling Wretched

Just finish reading the book to which I suppose to write a review.

It was not an easy read - the thoughts were mostly scattered.

And, this morning, as I was reading it, I felt like throwing up. O...,
I want to throw up now!

Gosh, I still feel like throwing up. God help me!

Get Me Out Of Here

There is a little voice, very little indeed
Trapped inside, trapped and can't be freed
It says, "let me out, and let me be, or it is just a dream?"
It screamsand screams and screams...

Silence is what you hear
And hope fades away with every tear
Or, they are only the unshed tears
Which flow within and drowning me with fears

I want to believe, truly I do
but my belief and hope are swept up, pushed aside or blown away
Maybe a trace to linger in my grasp, but maybe as brief as the dew
How long will this last, how long will this stay
How long will I...

Bagging 2 Cultures

Since coming home, it has been awkward. No, I am not saying I am
denying his place I called home, but I have found a second home too.

A friend commented that it is sad to hear me say I prefer England than
my own home country; one I spent only a year, and the other nearly 30
years. However, this is not the first time I feel like this. When I
first went in 2008, I did not want to come back. This place is very
much associated to "hiding myself" and braving it when I did not feel
like it.

Now, sitting here, I have to read mails from England agan and again
and again - yes, I am that homesick. Wen I first arrived in England
last year, I wanted so much to have MacDonald's because I was
homesick. MacDonald's equalled mum. Now, cups of tea equals my English
mum and dad. Homesick again.

In England, we talked verbally about things, and get a cuddle or two.
Here, we hardly talk,...no, we still talk, but not what is in our
hearts. We talk non-verbally - cooking your favourite dish, giving you
your comfort, buying you your favourite sweets, tidying up your
things. I guess, we have never really talked for years so, the
vocabulary is so limited for us to truly express ourselves freely.

I wish I could tell them I am homesick, I am afraid, I am worried, I
amnervous, I am anxious, I am lost. Maybe they know somehow???

Well, I should be thankful really. Ever since my stay in England, mum
has become more and more "chatty"with me. Not that we did not talk
before, in fact, we spent so much time eating out and shopping
together, which meanslots of talking. Yet, this is different, ...I
don't know how to explain it.

Well, this is my life.

Excited Excited

The feeling of excitement is so good to oneself that I just wish it is
here everyday. Lately, I have been excited about life and about God,
and about what I am doing here. No, nothing exciting happening in
particular, just feeling excited and looking forward to whatever I am
going to do or what is going to happen throughout the day.

I guess, I am re-energised and re-motivated and revived from that
misery self. Hahahah, wonder why it came at the first place??? Now, I
am totally driven to get things done for the day. I am a
workaholic!!!!

Hello There...

Hey you out there, if you are reading, can you drop me a word???

Well, I think not many read this but, no harm knowing if someone is
listening. Just leave me a word or two, or even better, email me. You
know where to find me.

I Want To Know

A song that gives me so much pain....

Verse 1:
You always understand what I think inside,
You know the very way to make me smile,
How I wish I could read your soul through your eyes
And see your thoughts that no words can describe

Pre-Chorus:
Maybe it doesn't matter 'cause we live in different worlds,
Though we said, "we are here for each other",
Maybe I might not be the one, to share your hopes and dreams in life,
Still there's a voice within my heart that says,

Chorus:
I want to know should I really let you go,
Though my heart feels
you are the only one so close
I want to know would you ever feel this love
Even when I have never said it out to you

Bridge:
You said to me you have to take this path
And grab this chance to reach the stars you want,
I tell myself I have to let you go
Maybe that's how it should be, maybe, o maybe, o maybe…

Chorus 2: (YR+MH)
You never know how I really miss you so
And the moments you have brought into my life
You never know how I truly hope inside
We would always remain the way we are today

Love, Love, Love

This is the most mysterious word one can explain...at least to me.

Complicated, undescribable, inexplicable, illogical, totally no words
could say it right.

How does love start? What is love? What is real love and what is false love?

Hahahah, I feel so stupid, feel like a foolish teenager asking stupid
questions, goodness...you can't imagine how I laugh at myself now. I
always believe and still believe, and told my friend, before loving
others, one must love herself/himself. Yes yes, God comes first, but
that does not stop you from loving yourself; accepting the person you
are, not trying to be someone you thought would win favours, slaving
to win someone else's heart, and I don't know what else. No, I am not
saint, this is a reminder to myself.

At this very moment, I can't wait to go home, back to those loving
arms of family and friends, the unconditional love awaiting me.
Sometimes, ...I wish...*sighs*

If you are reading, thank you - God loves you, and I love you. Words
are my strength and yet, many a times, they failed me.

Dear papa God,

You know every desire, every secret in our hearts. And, you hear every
unspoken thoughts and prayers deep in us. Help us papa to be strong,
help us to see You in times of difficulty, help us to listen to your
heartbeat, and follow what is right. In Jesus'precious name, amen.

Foolish Me

Why did I get myself so worked up? Why did it matter so much? Should
have been more "clever" about it, should have not bothered!

O, only goodness knows what is going on. I must learn, I must
learn...learn to be not bothered, learn to be ...learn not to be upset
like this.

Yes, the fact that I am writing like this means I am still worked up...stupid!!!

You The Tree, I The Flower

This is crazy but, I promised to write this just for you.

Dedicated to my dearie dearie J:

You are a tree, strong and tough,
You can face the storm no matter how rough,
Always proud of yourself, always want to reach higher,
But, deep inside you, you need some love and care.

I am a flower, fragile and lovely and easily crushed,
So you said, and I believe it's a truth or only half,
But you know me well, you know me truly well,
I am a flower that will last through rain, sun snow and live again.

Hahahah, there you have it. Miss talking to you girl!!!

We must meet up one day soon, back home?

Random Thoughts

I often call myself a dreamer - and I know I am. But, a dremaer suffers from her own dreams.

Confused??? Lost??? I know not but, I do wonder this state of mind that surrounds me in recent days.

O, yes...I did ask myself whether to pour it all out on this public space??? Not sure...If you read this, maybe not many, bless you. You are reading the gibberish thoughts of someone who are very unsure for the very moment.

It might not make sense, and maybe with hindsight later on, it might be just silliness and rubbish. No, the English life is fine, work is absolutely busy and great, spiritual life is picking up (yes, still picking up speed), and friends & family are definitely on the good side.

I guess I need some distraction to this busy mind of mine...a very good distraction. You, I miss the time when we were at home, you might be able to understand but again, you might not be reading. And you,...Yes the other you might be reading and feeling worried - don't be, maybe just say a prayer for me; peace of God, peace of mind, peace in my heart.

And another you, will you be reading??? *sighs* This is going nowhere and I am going nowhere. I should just go out for a cup of coffee somewhere like the olden days, watch a movie like the olden days, go for an orchestral concert like the olden days,...

Sound so stupid...

Distant Star

It is another silent and still night, a mind wandering about the
distant star. Have you ever thought of that distant star? The star you
would not reach? Or you think you would never reach...

They asked what would I be doing when I return home. I said, "I don't
know". I really do not know. Six months, twenty-six weeks, one hundred
and eighty-two days...that seemed a very long time and yet, you know,
and I know, it is never too long a time. A flight of time can leave
you feel so stranded and so left behind. Is there a distant star?

A year ago seemed only yesterday, however, a year to come always
seemed forever. Can anyone explain that logic? Sigh. Sigh. In this
vast universe, in this chase of time, I am noone seeking for nothing
and reaching nowhere.

If I find you my distant star, I would know where lies my little and
narrow path...

The First Love

It was a few weeks ago that I was invited to share in one of the
churches here. So, we talked about many things and I remember vividly,
my sharing ended with me saying, "we should be going back to the first
love we had for Jesus". And, that was exactly what I needed in my walk
with God.

But, obviously, as with all things, it was easier said than done. So,
I was thinking how am I going to have a closer walk with Him, to love
Him more, to know what is His plans for my life and my stay here and
many, many more questions. God being God, He brought me to see Him in
the light of that "first love" I once had many years back.

It was unexpected yet, it was so powerful that I could not wait to
read the passage again and again. We were having this regular meeting
for our new church plant and, my colleague read aloud Isaiah 65 for
everyone to ponder on. Yes, it spoke loudly, how great is His love,
how gracious He is, how He never forget and never give up on us, on
me, and how He long to reach us and always there to receive us. That's
it, my first love.

Ever since that moment, my heart is aflamed for Him and I truly thirst
for His word and my heart longs to know Him much, much better than I
have already known and, the longing and yearning just could not cease.
O Lord, I just want to be near You and may your Holy Spirit lead me by
the hand and keep me close to You!!!

Where Are You

Sitting here, I am wondering where you are,
Sitting here, I am feeling I need to talk,
Sitting here, I am wishing you are near,
Sitting here, I am hoping you will suddenly appear.

Where are you? Where are you?
Do you know I am thinking of you?
Do you know I am longing to hear from you?
Will I wait and wait and wait and don't see you?

O, my wandering thought, my restless mind,
How I want you to rest and be calm for the night,
My voiceless soul, my wordless heart,
May I find the way to give you faith and hope that shine like the stars.

Christmas 2009

This year, it has been the weirdest Christmas ever...or was it extraordinary???

I don't know. First of all, I am in a strange country, England. So,
there were new culture to learn, new people to get acquainted with,
family I could not meet, new weather and environment, and different
festive atmosphere. It was just beyond me and I am just so overwhelmed
with everything. Father Christmas??? He brought me presents and it was
my first time in my many years to wake up with excitement for
Christmas, just like a little child.

Then, it was all about food and relaxing at home after the Christmas
service at church in the morning. And, for the very first time since
my stay here, it was a tremendously relaxing day and fulfilling day.
It was simply great. It was all about eating what you like, watching
the tele, not worrying about the next day.

I do wish that this day would last longer but, it is approaching its
end now and, I just wish it could have been slightly longer. The best
gift??? The day itself and one of my favourite presents was the little
snuggly dog...I thought of naming it Snowy, what do you think?

Another incredible thing was being in touch with a friend whom I have
not been in touch for nearly 5 years now. It was ... incredible.
Anyway, I thank God that I am warm and healthy and had a wonderful
Christmas today. Thank you Jesus!

Letters Home

Writing letters nowadays seems so distant and foreign. Everyone talks
about emails, blogs, text messages and so on. Well, I have even
received only forwarded emails or rather, chain mails from some
people, or an email with just one phrase.

No, I am not complaining or saying that it is no good, but I just felt
I would love to get "letter", even once a month. Recently, I have been
writing home via emails regularly, which I made it a point to do so,
and these emails come in the form of letters/journals of what is
happening here. However, it means more than that.

Mum only reads Chinese and understands it perfectly. I speak Chinese
but, I don't write it at all. With all these writing for home, there
is one person who does not get to read; mum. But, thanks be to God, I
found a friend who is willing to help me translate my letters into
Chinese so that mum and dad can read them. At times, I wonder if
anyone reads my email because no reply came my way.

Now things have changed. I know deep down, even if I don't get any
reply from a single person, I know for sure that someone is expecting
my weekly letter; mum and dad. With this in mind, I shall continue to
write and for sure, they would be very glad to hear from me, their
beloved princess who is far, far away from home.

First School Assembly

This morning was the third time I go into the school assembly of High
Ercall Primary. However, the previous two times my participation was
very minimal and, I was mainly observing.

This morning, it is different. we thought it would be good for me to
share about the mid-autumn festival of the Chinese, and tell the
children the legend behind the festival as well as what is the
tradition we Chinese do during such celebration.

On top of that, since I was going to teach them a new song, we
conveniently arranged for me to play the piano while the children were
filing into the school hall. It was great!!! They were so amazed and
so glad to have live music to accompany them in.

The story telling went so well, they was simply fascinated and we
showed them the mooncake. And, I taught them the song "God Is So Good"
accompanied by the piano of course. We had great fun.

The assembly ended with me playing on the piano again while they filed
out of the hall. What a good experience!!! Next week, we would explore
a new topic and hopefully, they could have some fun learning new
things again!!!

God is so good, hallelujah!
God is so good, hallelujah!
God is so good, is so good to me.

Amen!!!!!

Tired Day

I think this is an accumulation of tiredness from many days out... I
am so tired now even half past ten, and am ready for bed anytime.
But..., again I have to crawl out from my working attire into the
slumberland attire... what a hassle...

Anyway, had a good day in Birmingham. I had Malaysian food; Fried koay
teow and my friend had Nasi Lemak. It was funny but, it was definitely
good. Then, another harvest and another harvest supper. In Birmingham,
we went to the Chinese supermarket and I managed to find mooncakes,
omochi, and spoke some Cantonese.

Later on, I met a Malaysian on the street who was getting me to buy a
new SIM card. Well, I did buy the SIM card and we spoke in Mandarin,
very satisfied and he is from Johore. It is always good to meet
someone who sounds familiar.

I am so Chinese, just very Chinese and it is a bonus to be able to
speak Chinese in one day!!! Thank God!!!

Suddenly, twelve months seem so long and so distant, but I know it is
going to do me good. I just have to face it.

Till later...

Chilly Day

It is not exactly cold today, however, since last night, I have been
feeling rather chilly. The temperature outside is only 15 and inside
the house, it is suppose to be 20 degree and, I am all chilled up,
since last night. At moments, I can even feel my teeth are tempted to
chatter a little.

Now, during my welcome service last evening, a number of people from
the deanery (meaning a few churches)turned and, my singing went very
well. And o..., I just like the hymns that were put in, they just
spoke what I have on my mind.

It was a brilliant experience and I have never sung like that before.
Hallelujah!!!

I am going out for a little prayer walk later but now, need to set up
my own schedule for work. Till then!!!

The Ministry

Frankly speaking, I am not sure what would happen twelve months down
the road. But, now everything is in a mess.

I miss piano a lot, and how I wish that there is a piano for me to
play on, a full-size piano/keyboard so that I could play Chopin and so
on.

Will sing for my own welcome service this evening and feeling terribly
nervous about it. I hope it would turn out well and I could cope with
the higher notes.

Do pray for a good piano to come my way.

What is in the plan???
1. Church planting for Bratton
2. Working with young children
3. Helping in the music/worship ministry for the deanery
4. Help out to refine the services for the VIP's within the Diocese

Till Then...

First Week In England

The first week in England has been all right, however, it is too
chilly and I am getting miserable.

First, there is no piano to practise on. There is a keyboard set up
for me,but it is lacking one octave or two, and that makes playing so
limited. I miss my dear piano a lot.

On the happy note, my host actually took the effort to make me feel
more at home and orientated with the house by putting together the
layout of the house using the lego set. It is a lot of fun and I
really appreciate that as now I could always refer to my map whenever
I am lost. I will try taking pictures of those.

Next, I am going to be involved with the setting up of a new church
within the deanery and that is very exciting. Well, basically it is
like starting a baby and hopefully, see it grow!!! Something I do look
forward to and, I do want to be more involved.

I miss home a lot!!! I miss hugs too!!!