Surprises, Surprises

I realised this morning that I don't really like surprises. To those
who have given me pleasant surprises, WELL DONE YOU!

The emo me...not nice. Never expected my year to end like this. I was
almost in tears, silly SILLY SILLY!

Can someone give me a great big hug??? I need a great big hug! I do!!!

Xiang Ni

Mei yi tian, wo dou xiang ni,
Hao xiang hao xiang ni,
Wo hen xiang ni zai shen bian, ke shi ni bu zai,
Zhen de hao xiang ni!

:(

Passion and Frustration

Listening to Liszt's Liebestod on youtube repeat...

Someone commented that this piece made her cry at ten in the
morning...the first I heard it, I did not recognise that element as it
sounded very much like banging chords and "noise". Tha's the
difference between playing a music with your heart and soul and
playing the music technically. After nearly one year under the
tutelage of Dr. C, I am struggling a lot. Yesterday, it was the first
time I actually "broke down" towards the end of the lesson.

I was very excited before it, nervous in fact, to the extend that I
could not finish my lunch. I wanted so much to share with him the
"music" I have finally found in the pieces I am learning. And the
moment came. As usual, it did not turn up the way I wanted it - too
harsh, rhythm was in a mess, notes all out of place, DISASTER.

So, we have to go through all the things we discussed before.
Metronome, practise by section, separate hands, in rhythm...I was all
right until the very end. I was so frustrated. I mean, I do all things
he asked me to in regards to my practice sessions. But, why they don't
turn out the way it should...maybe I simply do not spend enough
time???

Another thing is, I find it so hard to find the particular bar he
refers to on my score...aaaah! And when he asked me to play from a
section, I was very lost...I mean, I know my score, but I did not know
what he talked about. I was lost. I hate it that way because it was
like I know my map well but, I don't know what was he referring
to....which point exactly. It was like, he said, "you know start from
that blue building" and in my mind, which blue building??? I have to
know that it is the "blue mosque", and not just a blue buiding.
Because along that long journey, I might see many blue buildings...but
a blue mosque there is only one.

All in all, I was in tears - oh, I did my best to control it. I mean,
I wouldn't want to embarrass him (guys and crying girls). Anyway, I
guess now it is up to me to solve this mystery of falling into pieces
whenever he appears. Oh well, I guess I really have to gear up on the
practices - clocking in 3-4 hours per day??? Let's aim for that.

So, if you are reading, I am sorry that I can't talk on the
phone/skype/over coffee/on the net. It is simply a life and a passion
one wants to pursue for some odd reasons.

God help me!

Moved

Now I know that for someone to actually remember your dream is so
moving...yes, someone whom you do not expect to remember it...I am on
the verge of tears.

Recently, I was reminded of my dream which I have been pursuing all
these years and feel it too far-fetched! My tutor wrote:

"I want you to work harder and sit for your diploma so that you can
achieve your dream of becoming a music educator"

So moving...All these while, I feel that I have been "disappointing"
him and frustrating him...but, he has a further mission...Thank God
for my tutor!

All the best in Osaka!

Resigned

The music is playing
I think of that warming sun, of that quiet morning
My thoughts--they are floating
I wish they float no more, but settling, finally.

Now, these words, they are meaningless
They cannot say all my desires and wishes
Desires and wishes deep within a heart that's restless
Oh my heart, be still, be quiet, be...

The music continues to play
I go on dwelling in my dreams so far away
Wishing, wishing you are here to stay
But..., maybe I should let go and quench all hopes, maybe...