Sunday, 5 November 2006

The New Me

Well, I am still amazing at what I actually wrote, those lengthy and old posts, with the reasonings and questions and unceasing pesterings. Now, things have changed so much. Once, the questions that bugged me were "what is my calling? What am I supposed to do? How do I serve in God's kingdom? Have I embarked on the right track?" Now, those questions no longer matter, what matters now is the relationship with people, the growth as a Christian, and how deep have I been rooted in the word of God. THe last seven months has indeed been a super-growth for me, spiritually, emotionally, mentally and there have been so many things I just have to learn. They could be painful at times, but they are just inevitable and I know I am definitely a better person now. I think, few month ago a silly thought crossed my mind. I actually felt that I am few years older than my actual age, and I wonder why has three months made such changes. WHatever it is, I thank God for His abundant blessings in my life, and I no longer wants to seek another path or another "call". I am at peace here, but I do seek God's wisdom to handle the different people, the different situations and the different tasks. Sometimes it is just frustrating when things do not work out the way you thought it would. But, out of my experience, God's hands are so mighty and He never stop to amaze us with His great and mighty works. I pray that I would continue to commit everything and anything in my life in to God's strong and mighty hands, for He knows best and He is the greatest!!!

Monday, 7 August 2006

Sonata Return

Hi, It seems I have not drop in any notes here. Well, sorry for anyone who used to frequent this spot, I am sorry. I could not believe that I actually wrote the things I posted before. It is just amazing on whatever I wrote. Recently, or should I say, last two days, I really feel like quitting church, quitting all Christian based studies, and quitting it all. Why? I felt so hurt and painful that I think this should not happen. I challenged God although a moment later I could not bring myself to carry out whatever I told God. I said, "God, if you don't send someone next to me, I won't attend church anymore, no more". But, I gave up, and of course, noone came to sit next to me. It was too horrible and I do question has church grown so cold? Or the problem is on me? I know not where to start. I told myself this would not happen again, not to me or to my fellow friends, no such painful experience. It was too painful. Okay, you might question what actually happened. As usual, we have our Holy Communion. However, sitting on the second row, maybe alone, I was left out. I was not serve the bread and the cup and noone actually noticed that. Well, you might ask, "why not speak up and ask for it?", but those who knows me you know why. I could not stop sobbing throughout the service, I felt ignored and all i wanted was to walk off the sanctuary immediately. However, again my helplessness remains. I sat through the service, sobbing as quietly as I could. I went to bed with tears, I woke up with tears. And don't ask me why was I so "sensitive", it is just a small matter, but it just seems so big to me. Now, I am still quite hurt but, thank God for His peace and I will still attend church and I shall pray for a change or at least, whatever I could do. No, noone deserves this, not a Christian, not someone who needs your extra help. What do you say? But, overall, I would say I have grown tremendously within these four months, and I look forward to be more rooted in the word of God, and be a stronger person in Christ. Thanks for reading.