Wednesday, 21 December 2005


How do I start? I have this struggle in these last few years, and I am still struggling, although not so strongly as before, but it would surface from time to time. What struggle? Well, about church, about serving, about my relationship with God, about my Christian walk. Since I was born again, I have prayed an earnest prayer, “Lord, use me, Lord send me”, and I really do mean what I prayed. However, I am still stuck after ten years, not much of serving or ministering, just a small figure in church, quietly coming and going. Well, in 2005, I did have a so-called breakthrough when I switched from the English service to the Chinese service. Currently, I am one of their pianist, and I am also involved in the administration of the … different management/administration teams. Yes, I am involved and often called to put in my effort. But, have I grown? I would say I am more attached to church now after 2 years of disappearing and reappearing, feel more belonged to, and glad that at last there is something I can do for the church. But, did I grow spiritually? What kind of spiritual fruit have I reaped? Okay, let’s see, during my wandering years, I was introduced to Rev. Stephen Tong’s teaching and it was exciting, uplifting and revealed a new view of things around me as a Christian. I am no longer bound to the holy of holies, the spiritual realm, the heavenly forces, but a rooted life as a Christian on this earth, in a chaotic world, as God’s ambassador, as God’s image, as God’s messenger to the people. Yes, that’s what I thirst and hunger for, but how come I fail to feel or see such elements in my spiritual walk? Have I overlooked them? Or did I purposely neglect those teaching I deemed as “not what I look for”? O…, that “stagnant” status again. Now, what am I still looking for? Someone once commented, “hey, it’s time you give whatever you have and not just receive”, and I always feel that I am insufficient to give. So, which one come first, relationship with God and spiritual growth? Serving God and serving people? And, how do I become a humble Christian? Could someone give me some guidance and maybe, give me some light. O yes, suddenly I am reminded of Ezra, in an online theology foundation course, he is portrayed as someone who studied the word of God, obeyed the word of God, then only taught the word of God to the people. Have I answered my own questions?

Monday, 19 December 2005


Does that sound familiar to you? Or have you forgotten about it? What Would Jesus Do? I was never broght up in any Sunday schools, and was born again at 15. However, this simple phrase helped me a lot, and I thank God that I had a good foundation from church and CF in schools. After reading the Article by Eugene Peterson, I asked this question, WWJD? Are we too busy with our 'Christian community'? Nowadays, running a church is almost like running a business, how to keep it operatin well, how to have sufficient funds for the different activities, how to celebrate this and that, how to make sure the 'people' get the job done. I have never really served in a church, but lately I was given the opportunity to be more involved. But at times, I could hardly breathe or starting to feel suffocating, why? One said, "walk an extra mile for God", and I wonder am I denying it by thinking "I don't feel like doing it"? And, why must I keep myself busy in order to keep my mind or myself from sinning? Does that mean a relaxed life leads you easier in to hell? I am caught off balance, so what should be done? How to find focus again?

Thursday, 15 December 2005

Angel, Angel!

I have just finished reading “Angels and Demons” by Dan Brown, yes, the controversial man who wrote “The Da Vinci Code”. Someone asked me has my faith been shaken after reading these two books, and my answer is “no”. However, “Angels And Demons” left me with questions which are still fresh and turning in my mind. And, my heart goes out to the Camerlegno, Carlo. If you have read, who impressed you the most? Firstly, I would ask what triggered Brown to write the two books? What was on his mind? One questioning the holiness of Jesus Christ, the other questioning the power of God versus science. Was it Darwin? Was it out of sheer rebellion? Reading “The Da Vinci Code” did not evoke so much emotions in me, it was just another investigative fiction for me, and I was eager to find out how did they decipher the codes and solve the mystery. I even picked up some Hebrew alphabet from there, which is found in psalms. But, “Angels And Demons” has left me feeling rather … sad. The ultimate point in the book was, “God is a lie” and “science if the truth”. Although this is something being sung for centuries, why did Brown bring it out again? Is he telling us that we are so deceived and so wrong all these years? Are we living on lies upon lies by the people around us? Towards the end of the book, Brown has used the Camerlegno to reason for God, but again, we are deceived, he is the brain behind all the murders and … Camerlegno himself is the outcome of “science”; A test-tube baby. How nice it was put, what a trick to play on the readers, and I wonder the impact it gave its readers. Yes, it was only a fiction, but it brought out the very nature of human beings, we are seeking for truth, and we hate to be lied to or deceived by the people around us, especially those that we love. Yet, the Camerlegno felt “deceived” and he himself “deceived” others and at the end, he discovered a further deception. And, at the very end of the novel, the crowd was shield from the “truth” which they long for. So, do you still believe there is truth in God? Do you still believe there is truth in the person next to you? Do you still believe there is truth in Christianity or Catholicism? Or, you would believe that “science” is the only way to discover truth? I myself still hold strongly to my faith, God is the very truth in this universe. He the self-existing God, and who do think created all these mysteries for the scientists to discover? And who do you think has the power or the capability to give human such a mind and brain to question and find out the hidden answers around them? And Rev. Stephen Tong shared a very powerful message last evening, God exists not because you believe He does, or does not exist, He is just simply there from the very beginning. Well, maybe we should thank Mr. Dan Brown, because it is his books that make Christians (those who are being spoon fed all this while) to wake up, think, and find the answers they have ignored in many years. But, do we blame on others or just make it our individual responsibility to stand for God?

Wednesday, 7 December 2005

My Sonata

No, I have composed any "sonata", but life is still a wondering and puzzling game for me. I feel so tired to say anything anymore, I am decided, the most important thing is giving and serving with a cheerful heart.

Christmas Gifts

Have you ever list down the gifts you want for Christmas? Here is my list for year 2005. 1. YongChang Baby Grand Piano, RM18,000.002. BrailleNote M Power, RM18,000.003. Sony-Ericsson W800I, RM2,000.00 Hahahahah, kind of impossible but, maybe there would be a miracle. Yea!!!

Thursday, 27 October 2005


Recently, I have been feeling rather unsatisfied with my own life. And, when that happens, I started to complain a lot, whether it is lack of things to do, or even busy with things to do. Then, a friend said (enjoy whatever you are doing, live the present. Maybe you have not grown-up still". It struck me at that moment. Yes, I could converse easily with those who are much elder than I am, or even baby-talk to the younger little ones, but have I really grown? Inevitably I have grown physically, mentally and even spiritually, however, I finally realised that I have not let my heart to grow naturally. Is my emotional growth in question? Do we really have to separate between spiritual, physical, mental and emotional? Have you experienced such thorough examination of yourself? And, at the same time, I was again thinking of that simple question which was taught to little children, "what would Jesus do?", and I wonder to. When growing is inevitable, all I want is to grow with the right nutrients and in the right direction.

Wednesday, 19 October 2005

Rainie, Raining

Wonder why time seems to be rushing all the time? When was the last time you sat by the window an enjoyed the morning sun shining through your windows panes? Or, your place does not allow you to see a glitter of sunshine? When was the last time you saw the moon hanging in the night sky? Or even the stars that were blinking when the sky was clear? When was the last time you actually felt the morning breeze caressing your face, smelling of freshness, giving you a brand-new hope? When was the last time you walked quietly during the break of dawn and thinking of nothing but that particular quiet dawn? Do you miss that all? I do and I miss them very much. I wish to smell the morning, the dusk, the rain and that blazing sun. Have you smelt them before? And, that green grass in the field, have you smelt it before? And the earth after the rain, have you smelt it before? I remember going home on the school bus after a heavy downpour, the smell was so ... nostalgic, and so familiar. The smell of earth. It reminds me of the scout camp in Sabah, it reminds me of life without much boundaries. The sunrise, the sunset, the tranquility of the night, the refreshing coffee smell floating in the dark morning, the roaring engine of a school bus filled with sleepy students in the early morning, even before the streak of first daylight came through. Aaah, I miss all that and I long for that kind of liberty. Do you?

Monday, 26 September 2005

I Am Dreaming

Yes, I am still dreaming of last evening's concert. It was a terrific concert, and I just could not pull myself out of it. I enjoyed it so much and I want to listen to more! Okay, this blog is not that hard to manage and, I am so insane, that I actually spend my morning in the office writing on my blogs, yes blogs. But, boss is in very early today, heheheh. And, reading about Moses biography last Saturday gave me a ... new revelation. I never felt it that way. Moses: Born a Levite, brought up a prince, then a man on the run (wanted), and then, God appointed him to be a leader for Israel. Could you imagine? A prince of the enemy, a fugitive, and you have to lead your people. What a complicated life!

Friday, 23 September 2005

Lost World

Do you know what is happening? Can someone tell me what is happening? What is obligation? What is responsibility? What is life?

New Try

can this work? First of all, thanks to resuscitate and busy bee. Okay, now i actually have three "blogs". Hahahahahah.