Surprises, Surprises

I realised this morning that I don't really like surprises. To those
who have given me pleasant surprises, WELL DONE YOU!

The emo me...not nice. Never expected my year to end like this. I was
almost in tears, silly SILLY SILLY!

Can someone give me a great big hug??? I need a great big hug! I do!!!

Xiang Ni

Mei yi tian, wo dou xiang ni,
Hao xiang hao xiang ni,
Wo hen xiang ni zai shen bian, ke shi ni bu zai,
Zhen de hao xiang ni!

:(

Passion and Frustration

Listening to Liszt's Liebestod on youtube repeat...

Someone commented that this piece made her cry at ten in the
morning...the first I heard it, I did not recognise that element as it
sounded very much like banging chords and "noise". Tha's the
difference between playing a music with your heart and soul and
playing the music technically. After nearly one year under the
tutelage of Dr. C, I am struggling a lot. Yesterday, it was the first
time I actually "broke down" towards the end of the lesson.

I was very excited before it, nervous in fact, to the extend that I
could not finish my lunch. I wanted so much to share with him the
"music" I have finally found in the pieces I am learning. And the
moment came. As usual, it did not turn up the way I wanted it - too
harsh, rhythm was in a mess, notes all out of place, DISASTER.

So, we have to go through all the things we discussed before.
Metronome, practise by section, separate hands, in rhythm...I was all
right until the very end. I was so frustrated. I mean, I do all things
he asked me to in regards to my practice sessions. But, why they don't
turn out the way it should...maybe I simply do not spend enough
time???

Another thing is, I find it so hard to find the particular bar he
refers to on my score...aaaah! And when he asked me to play from a
section, I was very lost...I mean, I know my score, but I did not know
what he talked about. I was lost. I hate it that way because it was
like I know my map well but, I don't know what was he referring
to....which point exactly. It was like, he said, "you know start from
that blue building" and in my mind, which blue building??? I have to
know that it is the "blue mosque", and not just a blue buiding.
Because along that long journey, I might see many blue buildings...but
a blue mosque there is only one.

All in all, I was in tears - oh, I did my best to control it. I mean,
I wouldn't want to embarrass him (guys and crying girls). Anyway, I
guess now it is up to me to solve this mystery of falling into pieces
whenever he appears. Oh well, I guess I really have to gear up on the
practices - clocking in 3-4 hours per day??? Let's aim for that.

So, if you are reading, I am sorry that I can't talk on the
phone/skype/over coffee/on the net. It is simply a life and a passion
one wants to pursue for some odd reasons.

God help me!

Moved

Now I know that for someone to actually remember your dream is so
moving...yes, someone whom you do not expect to remember it...I am on
the verge of tears.

Recently, I was reminded of my dream which I have been pursuing all
these years and feel it too far-fetched! My tutor wrote:

"I want you to work harder and sit for your diploma so that you can
achieve your dream of becoming a music educator"

So moving...All these while, I feel that I have been "disappointing"
him and frustrating him...but, he has a further mission...Thank God
for my tutor!

All the best in Osaka!

Resigned

The music is playing
I think of that warming sun, of that quiet morning
My thoughts--they are floating
I wish they float no more, but settling, finally.

Now, these words, they are meaningless
They cannot say all my desires and wishes
Desires and wishes deep within a heart that's restless
Oh my heart, be still, be quiet, be...

The music continues to play
I go on dwelling in my dreams so far away
Wishing, wishing you are here to stay
But..., maybe I should let go and quench all hopes, maybe...

Blissfulness...

Currently listening to Yiruma - Beautiful, soothing, comforting and
sweet. Piano music never fails to calm my soul and at times, my
headaches. Despite the discomfort I experience (aches, pains, fatigue)
I feel enveloped in a state of blissfulness.

What can one ask for than the freedom to do what one enjoys like
playing the piano? Like dreaming away about those beautiful scenes one
hopes for? Like thinking of the one one loves? Like writing and
writing and writing???

With Christmas around the corner, I can't help but think of the "real
meaning" of this special day, and how is it special to me. Yes, it
will not be the first time I am celebrating it but, life has changed
and I have too. Many years ago, it was all about gifts exchange,
visiting friends, eating and fellowshipping and at one point,
evangelistic meeting, lucky draw (although they call it blessed draw),
and doing nothing. Then, I was exposed to a new way of celebrating
Christmas - a family based kind of celebration; having meals around
the table, special treat for each person, gifts from family members,
advent service (in expectation of Christmas), midnight mass welcoming
Christmas, Christmas morning service all about the birth of Christ...

I miss the latter, really miss it. Maybe I should start understanding
the link between Christmas and evangelism? The Christian calendar year
begins with Advent, leading up to Christmas...so, how do we re-focus?
Why do we celebrate Christmas? Is it just another channel to share the
gospel of Christ or is it more? Then, we have Easter...

And, do we tell the story of Christmas or do we tell the story of
being a Christian? Once a friend commented after watching a Christmas
presentation, "that was a Christian message, not a Christmas message".
Any difference?

God helps me!

Dare to Dream

Yesterday, a lady came to talk to mum and dad about saving up and so
on. She asked me about my dreams. I told her I don't have any dreams,
and no, I don't fancy being famous.

Well, maybe I was lying. I only felt I am too old for my dreams.
Nowadays, it is always about child prodigy and young aspiring artists
and youthful people. Me??? I started piano at 17. Then, I got
distracted by varsity and works...although completing my grade 8, I
never got anywhere. Do I still dare to dream? If not, why have I
stopped dreaming?

Dreams, do I still have the right to dream? Everytime I see someone
perform on the stage, I can only wish that was me. Then, you might
say, "work harder then". Well, does it mean I can give up my job,
don't worry about earning an income and just play the piano.

So many blind musicians out there are struggling to stay afloat,
mostly very determined and stubborn to "complete the music studies".
At the age of 27 or 28, they are still studying and struggling,
without any work experience. I always thought I need a job and earn my
own living...pay for my own expenses...able to treat my loved ones to
something when I need to or want to.

But now, will I regret it one day that I never pursued this dream of
mine? I just enjoy performing but, with my current skills, I dare not
perform. However, every time there is a chance to perform, I enjoy the
moment I get about performing, I simply grow into it.

Will I be a performing pianist?

Things I Wish to Do...

Here is the list of things I wish to do or have, and never had...well,
taking a risk but I doubt many actually visit this blog

1. Owning a debit/credit card (in Malaysia)
2. Out for a date with a someone
3. Be married and build a family
4. Perform a duet
5. Make payment without fuss over the till (in Malaysia)
6. Have my own internet banking (in Malaysia)
7. Withdraw my own money by myself (in Malaysia)

Are these too much to ask???

Are these too much to ask?

Are these too much to ask???

Are these too much to ask?

Are these too much to ask???

Are these too much to ask???

Hello Baby

They say a child is the gift from God...you are too. But your
stop-over is so short and we can't have enough of you. Oh, so brief...

They love you so much...they really do and I do too...

But, we have to bid you farewell...only God knows...

Baby, how we wish you could have stayed...and add another cheery smile
to many faces...

Yet, you have to leave...it must be tough for your mummy, losing her
daddy only a week ago, and now losing her baby...

Dear God, grant her strength and grant her comfort. Grant her your
peace, and sooth her grief. Bless the family and be with them through
this difficult journey. In Jesus'precious name, amen.

Blogging

As you red this (not sure how many of "you" are doing so), I am
wondering again about my hobby in writing. Yes, I like to write, I
enjoy writing and playing with words and coming up with catchy,
creative, sometimes humorous phrases. Some of you even suggested that
I should start writing a book...hmmm, I never thought I would.

To date, I have four (4) blogs. Yes. You read it right. To date, I
have four (4) blogs. Well, let's put it this way - In the beginning,
there was only one. Then, I thought I should have a different space
for a different group of readers, exploring different topics. Then,
maybe another new perspective should be expressed in a different
style. And then, my circle of friends expanded, so did my blogging
horizon. Now, out of 4, 2 are halfway active, the other 2 are taking a
unlimited break. However, I do love going back to these pages and
reading them and, actually understand the "me" before. Think.

About the "book", maybe a poetry collection. I am no good at fiction.
I enjoy reading those novels out there, but when it comes to creating
one, I am too factual. And yet, writing a factual book, I am not sure
what area of facts I should explore. So far, the only facts you read
are my random thoughts, scattered ideas, complicated emotions, and at
times incoherent rantings. Still, you read them, bless you!

If my life were a story book, it is definitely not a romance.

It could be a picture book, it could be a travel literature, it could
be a self-help...I am yet to define it.

All right, this is going nowhere, but thanks for reading anyway =)

Be Still, My Soul

This hymn is so beautiful and I only felt like being on knees and "be still".

"Be Still, My Soul"
by Catharina von Schlegel, 1697-?
Translated by Jane Borthwick, 1813-1897

1. Be still, my soul; the Lord is on thy side;
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul; thy best, thy heavenly, Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

2. Be still, my soul; thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence, let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul; the waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.

3. Be still, my soul, though dearest friends depart
And all is darkened in the vale of tears;
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrows and thy fears.
Be still, my soul; thy Jesus can repay
From His own fulness all He takes away.

4. Be still, my soul; the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul; when change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

Text: Psalm 46:10
Author: Catharine Amalia Dorothea von Schlegel, 1752, cento
Translated by: Jane Borthwick, 1855
Titled: "Stille, mein Wille"
Composer: Jean Sibelius, b. 1865, arr.
Tune: "Finlandia"

He Called Me BABY

Have you ever wondered why someone would call a person "baby? I often
wonder about that.

As far as I know, I am my mum's "baby" - her most beloved daughter,
noone can replace. In fact, I am listed as "honey baby" on her
phonebook...oops, don't throw up as yet. Other than that, I am
nobody's "baby".

In the past few years, one or two men have called me "babe" or "baby",
all to do with mingling amongst ang mo. But then again, at times I was
not sure if those endearments were truly endearment or mere
"condescending". Anyway, I just played along. So, further to "babe"
and "baby", I got "dear" and once, "darling". Hahahahah!

O, we are talking about men addressing me with those endearments. As
for my girl friends and all other lovely ladies, it is always love,
lovely, gorgeous, dear, sweetheart...I think I like sweetheart. My
English mum and dad often call me "sweetheart"...I think that's very
sweet indeed.

Well, last night, I received this simple email from ...ehem, a man.

"Go to sleep baby!"

Nope, not my father or brothers or boyfriend or anyone close...but
someone I know... =)

Paranoia

It was the weirdest thing that ever happened - two doses of possible
"intrusion" triggered my long-forgotten gastric, and a terrible one.
Even thinking about it now upsets me tremendously.

I know I am being ridiculous, unreasonable, silly and down-right
childish. What is there to fear? Why the fret? Why let myself got wind
up? Stupidity.

Yet, the fear of "stranger" creeps right into me. And this "stranger"
that seemed to stalk me...can't he stop? Didn't he get it? I am not
befriending a stalker!!!

I want a new identity, I want to be someone else...I wish I can
disappear and start anew. Having strong gastric/heartburn (whatever
you want to call it) and less than three hours of sleep is no fun and
really tips me over. Will take a break from FB.

Missing You

Missing you is that pitless longing in my heart
Having you by my side is the most comfortable state of life
Yet, I have to bear more longing - more on missing you for sure
And I do hope, this will end, will end, will end with you always by me.

It is complicated, very complicated indeed
One learning to cope with love, and coping it invisibly
The best I can reach is to see you happy
And my prayer is always "may the Lord grant you joy and, bless you abundantly".

Monday's Blues

It is the very first time I actually experience a Monday's Blues since
I started my new job.

Oh, how could life be so depressing? At least I have my white coffee
to boost my alertness level, and I am feeling so much fresher
comparing to this morning.

I miss you...and I long to talk to you! And I want a hug from you!

Can Monday's Blues be cured simply through a hug?

Oh so blue!

An Afternoon with Me

There is running water at the corner of the building, there is piano
music from the computer, there is me, sitting down with a wonder.

It is now the middle of my second week at work, and the stress level
is low. However, just imagine me at a different place...

By the flowing river, listening to the chirping birds in the trees,
Humming to myself or simply being quiet,
And dream away. Oh, the sun hanging in the sky, but the heat not touching me.

Blissfulness!!! What will I be thinking about then? What will my dream
be??? What tune will be playing in my head???

The one who writes, is a creator. The one who paints, is a dreamer.
The one who sings, is soul.

I travel in this world of mine, I peer into this sky in my mind,
And I find peacefulness and that hope that never dies.

I love you!!!

Equality, Equality, Equality

Being a person who is blind, there are many issues I often think about
- education for all, employment for all, music for all, living life
just like others and many, many more. It is a tough life for everyone,
not only me and my friends with disability or, parents/carers with
children who has one or more disabilities.

However, more than often, "we" the groups with "disability" in
description or identity, feel we have more battles to fight. It might
be true,....at least it really feels like that. Recently, I myself
wonder, how many times more do I have to stand up again and again and
again and again, after being pushed down? Being pushed down includes
but, not limited to rejection (education, employment, leisure,
managing own finance independently), having someone decide what is
good or possible for you even when you have turned 30, being treated
like a retarded/child even when you only has one disability, being
thought to work/mingle/teach/marry/discuss only within your own kind
(in my case, people who are blind). But, of course, despite all these
moanings, I do have many very good friends who treat me as equals.
Still, at times, I do wish someone would ask me out for a movie at the
cinema to catch the latest. Or, a hanging out with girl friends or any
friends, or even for a date. Hahahah, exactly, just like another girl
you know. Thus, I miss my friends in Penang, my friends in UK, some of
my ex-colleagues. No doubt, at times, we learn how to cope with what I
definitely can't seem to enjoy. But..., it still feels nice to be
asked, no matter who you are, doesn't it?

Besides looking at what I do not get, I also think about what can one
or, should do to make life easier. Oftentimes, the "we" make a lot, I
mean really a lot of complaints about the injustice and inequality of
society towards them. The focus is always "me"and "me"and "myself" and
"i" or "we". It is my prayer that I will "not" ever fall into this
group. How do I mean? Have you ever heard someone said, "well, they
don't understand"? Or, "they are different, that's why our kind
understands better"? Well, nonsense! Since when we human beings
understand each other? Well I mean. And, aren't we all born different?
The point is, how can we make other understand us instead of whining
that they don't. Besides that, how often do we hear phrases like,
"well, he/she should know I can't do it because I am blind/partially
sighted/a wheelchair user/deaf and etc" and, the sayer would end up
feeling so frustrated.

I really do not know how to put this in a better and clearer way but,
I do not need a place for blind workers, a university for the blind, a
church for the blind, a school for the blind (that has more issues to
discuss), or, a computer for the blind, a phone for the blind, a piano
for the blind, a bathroom for the blind. Right, beginning to get
rather muddled up and confusing??? I know, it is such kind of issue.

Basically, I do need help, but not all the time. I might need help to
get myself orientated with a toilet but, not another person inside it
with me (it really happened to me once...hahahah, super embarrassing),
and if we go for a retail therapy, it will be great to join you in
choosing your clothes, bags, shoes, and all other things. And, your
opinion whether I look like an old lady in it, or fab or sweet or
clown is very very very much appreciated. Of course, I am not everyone
so, this is only my opinion.

And, no child who has a disability should be taught to think that
he/she is different. My parents never, although they knew I am. I was
allowed to play hide & seek, jumping ropes, run and catch and many
more. It was nice memories. But, children can be hostile thus,
balancing act is required. Now, has our knowledge and education of
rights and equality empowered or weakened us?

Are we more informative or annoying with our complaints? Are we grumpy
or friendly? Do we fret about being left-out or think of a solution to
avoid this from happening again? Well, for your information, I am
wondering still...

Dream, Dream, Dream

I often have so many dreams in me, but at times, I feel so afraid to
say them out - perhaps, the magic of these dreams will vanish after
they are pronounced???

Yet, I want to have these dreams come true, and I believe, I have to
believe in them, then, they will have a greater chance of realisation.

2011 wants/dreams:
An IPod Touch
11" laptop
A trip beyond Southeast Asia
A job closely related to music
Braille Notetaker
Research in music

Lifetime dreams:
Having a family of my own
A fulltime pianist
The salvation of my parents, brothers and their families

I will keep on dreaming and waiting for the day they come true!!!

Random Thoughts

Lately, I have been thinking about many diferent issues as well as
talking and discussing with friends over many different topics.

Today itself, we talked about relationship between a blind person and
a sighted person. Of course, we are not talking about friendship, we
were discussing about the romantic relationship. The norm is, at least
here, there are more examples of a sighted girl marrying a blind
husband. As for a sighted man to marry a blind girl...that's super
rare. And most highly educated and capable blind men would prefer a
sighted wife, someone who can drive, ferry children to and fro
school/classes/extra activities and so on. You think love is all about
the heart???

There is also the issue of a blind piano teacher, a blind ballet
accompanist, Christianity and so on. God is dear in my heart...but,
never knew loving Him is so complicated when there aare the issues of
theology, emotional, intellectual, denominational, tradition, and many
more.

And I still wish that I am much tougher and stronger..overcoming my
past hurts. But they really hurt.

I think I at times overestimate myself...I thought I overcame
it...but, obviously, I have not. *sigh*