Oh, how could life be so depressing? At least I have my white coffee
to boost my alertness level, and I am feeling so much fresher
comparing to this morning.
I miss you...and I long to talk to you! And I want a hug from you!
Can Monday's Blues be cured simply through a hug?
Oh so blue!
It is now the middle of my second week at work, and the stress level
is low. However, just imagine me at a different place...
By the flowing river, listening to the chirping birds in the trees,
Humming to myself or simply being quiet,
And dream away. Oh, the sun hanging in the sky, but the heat not touching me.
Blissfulness!!! What will I be thinking about then? What will my dream
be??? What tune will be playing in my head???
The one who writes, is a creator. The one who paints, is a dreamer.
The one who sings, is soul.
I travel in this world of mine, I peer into this sky in my mind,
And I find peacefulness and that hope that never dies.
I love you!!!
However, more than often, "we" the groups with "disability" in
description or identity, feel we have more battles to fight. It might
be true,....at least it really feels like that. Recently, I myself
wonder, how many times more do I have to stand up again and again and
again and again, after being pushed down? Being pushed down includes
but, not limited to rejection (education, employment, leisure,
managing own finance independently), having someone decide what is
good or possible for you even when you have turned 30, being treated
like a retarded/child even when you only has one disability, being
thought to work/mingle/teach/marry/discuss only within your own kind
(in my case, people who are blind). But, of course, despite all these
moanings, I do have many very good friends who treat me as equals.
Still, at times, I do wish someone would ask me out for a movie at the
cinema to catch the latest. Or, a hanging out with girl friends or any
friends, or even for a date. Hahahah, exactly, just like another girl
you know. Thus, I miss my friends in Penang, my friends in UK, some of
my ex-colleagues. No doubt, at times, we learn how to cope with what I
definitely can't seem to enjoy. But..., it still feels nice to be
asked, no matter who you are, doesn't it?
Besides looking at what I do not get, I also think about what can one
or, should do to make life easier. Oftentimes, the "we" make a lot, I
mean really a lot of complaints about the injustice and inequality of
society towards them. The focus is always "me"and "me"and "myself" and
"i" or "we". It is my prayer that I will "not" ever fall into this
group. How do I mean? Have you ever heard someone said, "well, they
don't understand"? Or, "they are different, that's why our kind
understands better"? Well, nonsense! Since when we human beings
understand each other? Well I mean. And, aren't we all born different?
The point is, how can we make other understand us instead of whining
that they don't. Besides that, how often do we hear phrases like,
"well, he/she should know I can't do it because I am blind/partially
sighted/a wheelchair user/deaf and etc" and, the sayer would end up
feeling so frustrated.
I really do not know how to put this in a better and clearer way but,
I do not need a place for blind workers, a university for the blind, a
church for the blind, a school for the blind (that has more issues to
discuss), or, a computer for the blind, a phone for the blind, a piano
for the blind, a bathroom for the blind. Right, beginning to get
rather muddled up and confusing??? I know, it is such kind of issue.
Basically, I do need help, but not all the time. I might need help to
get myself orientated with a toilet but, not another person inside it
with me (it really happened to me once...hahahah, super embarrassing),
and if we go for a retail therapy, it will be great to join you in
choosing your clothes, bags, shoes, and all other things. And, your
opinion whether I look like an old lady in it, or fab or sweet or
clown is very very very much appreciated. Of course, I am not everyone
so, this is only my opinion.
And, no child who has a disability should be taught to think that
he/she is different. My parents never, although they knew I am. I was
allowed to play hide & seek, jumping ropes, run and catch and many
more. It was nice memories. But, children can be hostile thus,
balancing act is required. Now, has our knowledge and education of
rights and equality empowered or weakened us?
Are we more informative or annoying with our complaints? Are we grumpy
or friendly? Do we fret about being left-out or think of a solution to
avoid this from happening again? Well, for your information, I am
wondering still...
Yet, I want to have these dreams come true, and I believe, I have to
believe in them, then, they will have a greater chance of realisation.
2011 wants/dreams:
An IPod Touch
11" laptop
A trip beyond Southeast Asia
A job closely related to music
Braille Notetaker
Research in music
Lifetime dreams:
Having a family of my own
A fulltime pianist
The salvation of my parents, brothers and their families
I will keep on dreaming and waiting for the day they come true!!!
Today itself, we talked about relationship between a blind person and
a sighted person. Of course, we are not talking about friendship, we
were discussing about the romantic relationship. The norm is, at least
here, there are more examples of a sighted girl marrying a blind
husband. As for a sighted man to marry a blind girl...that's super
rare. And most highly educated and capable blind men would prefer a
sighted wife, someone who can drive, ferry children to and fro
school/classes/extra activities and so on. You think love is all about
the heart???
There is also the issue of a blind piano teacher, a blind ballet
accompanist, Christianity and so on. God is dear in my heart...but,
never knew loving Him is so complicated when there aare the issues of
theology, emotional, intellectual, denominational, tradition, and many
more.
And I still wish that I am much tougher and stronger..overcoming my
past hurts. But they really hurt.
I think I at times overestimate myself...I thought I overcame
it...but, obviously, I have not. *sigh*
But noone is free to talk.
And I can't talk to anyone.
Are you that someone?
It was not an easy read - the thoughts were mostly scattered.
And, this morning, as I was reading it, I felt like throwing up. O...,
I want to throw up now!
Gosh, I still feel like throwing up. God help me!
Silence is what you hear
And hope fades away with every tear
Or, they are only the unshed tears
Which flow within and drowning me with fears
I want to believe, truly I do
but my belief and hope are swept up, pushed aside or blown away
Maybe a trace to linger in my grasp, but maybe as brief as the dew
How long will this last, how long will this stay
How long will I...
A friend commented that it is sad to hear me say I prefer England than
my own home country; one I spent only a year, and the other nearly 30
years. However, this is not the first time I feel like this. When I
first went in 2008, I did not want to come back. This place is very
much associated to "hiding myself" and braving it when I did not feel
like it.
Now, sitting here, I have to read mails from England agan and again
and again - yes, I am that homesick. Wen I first arrived in England
last year, I wanted so much to have MacDonald's because I was
homesick. MacDonald's equalled mum. Now, cups of tea equals my English
mum and dad. Homesick again.
In England, we talked verbally about things, and get a cuddle or two.
Here, we hardly talk,...no, we still talk, but not what is in our
hearts. We talk non-verbally - cooking your favourite dish, giving you
your comfort, buying you your favourite sweets, tidying up your
things. I guess, we have never really talked for years so, the
vocabulary is so limited for us to truly express ourselves freely.
I wish I could tell them I am homesick, I am afraid, I am worried, I
amnervous, I am anxious, I am lost. Maybe they know somehow???
Well, I should be thankful really. Ever since my stay in England, mum
has become more and more "chatty"with me. Not that we did not talk
before, in fact, we spent so much time eating out and shopping
together, which meanslots of talking. Yet, this is different, ...I
don't know how to explain it.
Well, this is my life.
I guess, I am re-energised and re-motivated and revived from that
misery self. Hahahah, wonder why it came at the first place??? Now, I
am totally driven to get things done for the day. I am a
workaholic!!!!
Well, I think not many read this but, no harm knowing if someone is
listening. Just leave me a word or two, or even better, email me. You
know where to find me.
Verse 1:
You always understand what I think inside,
You know the very way to make me smile,
How I wish I could read your soul through your eyes
And see your thoughts that no words can describe
Pre-Chorus:
Maybe it doesn't matter 'cause we live in different worlds,
Though we said, "we are here for each other",
Maybe I might not be the one, to share your hopes and dreams in life,
Still there's a voice within my heart that says,
Chorus:
I want to know should I really let you go,
Though my heart feels
you are the only one so close
I want to know would you ever feel this love
Even when I have never said it out to you
Bridge:
You said to me you have to take this path
And grab this chance to reach the stars you want,
I tell myself I have to let you go
Maybe that's how it should be, maybe, o maybe, o maybe…
Chorus 2: (YR+MH)
You never know how I really miss you so
And the moments you have brought into my life
You never know how I truly hope inside
We would always remain the way we are today
Complicated, undescribable, inexplicable, illogical, totally no words
could say it right.
How does love start? What is love? What is real love and what is false love?
Hahahah, I feel so stupid, feel like a foolish teenager asking stupid
questions, goodness...you can't imagine how I laugh at myself now. I
always believe and still believe, and told my friend, before loving
others, one must love herself/himself. Yes yes, God comes first, but
that does not stop you from loving yourself; accepting the person you
are, not trying to be someone you thought would win favours, slaving
to win someone else's heart, and I don't know what else. No, I am not
saint, this is a reminder to myself.
At this very moment, I can't wait to go home, back to those loving
arms of family and friends, the unconditional love awaiting me.
Sometimes, ...I wish...*sighs*
If you are reading, thank you - God loves you, and I love you. Words
are my strength and yet, many a times, they failed me.
Dear papa God,
You know every desire, every secret in our hearts. And, you hear every
unspoken thoughts and prayers deep in us. Help us papa to be strong,
help us to see You in times of difficulty, help us to listen to your
heartbeat, and follow what is right. In Jesus'precious name, amen.
O, only goodness knows what is going on. I must learn, I must
learn...learn to be not bothered, learn to be ...learn not to be upset
like this.
Yes, the fact that I am writing like this means I am still worked up...stupid!!!
Dedicated to my dearie dearie J:
You are a tree, strong and tough,
You can face the storm no matter how rough,
Always proud of yourself, always want to reach higher,
But, deep inside you, you need some love and care.
I am a flower, fragile and lovely and easily crushed,
So you said, and I believe it's a truth or only half,
But you know me well, you know me truly well,
I am a flower that will last through rain, sun snow and live again.
Hahahah, there you have it. Miss talking to you girl!!!
We must meet up one day soon, back home?
Confused??? Lost??? I know not but, I do wonder this state of mind that surrounds me in recent days.
O, yes...I did ask myself whether to pour it all out on this public space??? Not sure...If you read this, maybe not many, bless you. You are reading the gibberish thoughts of someone who are very unsure for the very moment.
It might not make sense, and maybe with hindsight later on, it might be just silliness and rubbish. No, the English life is fine, work is absolutely busy and great, spiritual life is picking up (yes, still picking up speed), and friends & family are definitely on the good side.
I guess I need some distraction to this busy mind of mine...a very good distraction. You, I miss the time when we were at home, you might be able to understand but again, you might not be reading. And you,...Yes the other you might be reading and feeling worried - don't be, maybe just say a prayer for me; peace of God, peace of mind, peace in my heart.
And another you, will you be reading??? *sighs* This is going nowhere and I am going nowhere. I should just go out for a cup of coffee somewhere like the olden days, watch a movie like the olden days, go for an orchestral concert like the olden days,...
Sound so stupid...
They asked what would I be doing when I return home. I said, "I don't
know". I really do not know. Six months, twenty-six weeks, one hundred
and eighty-two days...that seemed a very long time and yet, you know,
and I know, it is never too long a time. A flight of time can leave
you feel so stranded and so left behind. Is there a distant star?
A year ago seemed only yesterday, however, a year to come always
seemed forever. Can anyone explain that logic? Sigh. Sigh. In this
vast universe, in this chase of time, I am noone seeking for nothing
and reaching nowhere.
If I find you my distant star, I would know where lies my little and
narrow path...
But, obviously, as with all things, it was easier said than done. So,
I was thinking how am I going to have a closer walk with Him, to love
Him more, to know what is His plans for my life and my stay here and
many, many more questions. God being God, He brought me to see Him in
the light of that "first love" I once had many years back.
It was unexpected yet, it was so powerful that I could not wait to
read the passage again and again. We were having this regular meeting
for our new church plant and, my colleague read aloud Isaiah 65 for
everyone to ponder on. Yes, it spoke loudly, how great is His love,
how gracious He is, how He never forget and never give up on us, on
me, and how He long to reach us and always there to receive us. That's
it, my first love.
Ever since that moment, my heart is aflamed for Him and I truly thirst
for His word and my heart longs to know Him much, much better than I
have already known and, the longing and yearning just could not cease.
O Lord, I just want to be near You and may your Holy Spirit lead me by
the hand and keep me close to You!!!
Where are you? Where are you?
Do you know I am thinking of you?
Do you know I am longing to hear from you?
Will I wait and wait and wait and don't see you?
O, my wandering thought, my restless mind,
How I want you to rest and be calm for the night,
My voiceless soul, my wordless heart,
May I find the way to give you faith and hope that shine like the stars.
I don't know. First of all, I am in a strange country, England. So,
there were new culture to learn, new people to get acquainted with,
family I could not meet, new weather and environment, and different
festive atmosphere. It was just beyond me and I am just so overwhelmed
with everything. Father Christmas??? He brought me presents and it was
my first time in my many years to wake up with excitement for
Christmas, just like a little child.
Then, it was all about food and relaxing at home after the Christmas
service at church in the morning. And, for the very first time since
my stay here, it was a tremendously relaxing day and fulfilling day.
It was simply great. It was all about eating what you like, watching
the tele, not worrying about the next day.
I do wish that this day would last longer but, it is approaching its
end now and, I just wish it could have been slightly longer. The best
gift??? The day itself and one of my favourite presents was the little
snuggly dog...I thought of naming it Snowy, what do you think?
Another incredible thing was being in touch with a friend whom I have
not been in touch for nearly 5 years now. It was ... incredible.
Anyway, I thank God that I am warm and healthy and had a wonderful
Christmas today. Thank you Jesus!
