Reflection

How do I start? I have this struggle in these last few years, and I am still struggling, although not so strongly as before, but it would surface from time to time. What struggle? Well, about church, about serving, about my relationship with God, about my Christian walk. Since I was born again, I have prayed an earnest prayer, “Lord, use me, Lord send me”, and I really do mean what I prayed. However, I am still stuck after ten years, not much of serving or ministering, just a small figure in church, quietly coming and going. Well, in 2005, I did have a so-called breakthrough when I switched from the English service to the Chinese service. Currently, I am one of their pianist, and I am also involved in the administration of the … different management/administration teams. Yes, I am involved and often called to put in my effort. But, have I grown? I would say I am more attached to church now after 2 years of disappearing and reappearing, feel more belonged to, and glad that at last there is something I can do for the church. But, did I grow spiritually? What kind of spiritual fruit have I reaped? Okay, let’s see, during my wandering years, I was introduced to Rev. Stephen Tong’s teaching and it was exciting, uplifting and revealed a new view of things around me as a Christian. I am no longer bound to the holy of holies, the spiritual realm, the heavenly forces, but a rooted life as a Christian on this earth, in a chaotic world, as God’s ambassador, as God’s image, as God’s messenger to the people. Yes, that’s what I thirst and hunger for, but how come I fail to feel or see such elements in my spiritual walk? Have I overlooked them? Or did I purposely neglect those teaching I deemed as “not what I look for”? O…, that “stagnant” status again. Now, what am I still looking for? Someone once commented, “hey, it’s time you give whatever you have and not just receive”, and I always feel that I am insufficient to give. So, which one come first, relationship with God and spiritual growth? Serving God and serving people? And, how do I become a humble Christian? Could someone give me some guidance and maybe, give me some light. O yes, suddenly I am reminded of Ezra, in an online theology foundation course, he is portrayed as someone who studied the word of God, obeyed the word of God, then only taught the word of God to the people. Have I answered my own questions?