Smithereens

A friend asked if I like the word 'smithereens', and I answered, 'I
feel I am it'. Yes, I feel like smithereens - broken into little
pieces. So broken.

I wish I know how long I have to survive life, but I am not doing it
well, for now. And I still have to act as though I am thriving,
sailing through it beautifully. But, I am not. I know all the shoulds
and the should-nots, yet I am still choked by rejections, demotivated
by failures, defeated by criticisms, suffocated by disappointments. I
dare not hope, I dare not think, I dare not plan. No, I dare not
anymore.

They say, 'lean on God' and I do. But, I want God to take me now. I
have nothing to show Him, and I have nothing to show anyone anymore.
It is bleak, it is blank, and it is...

Who am I? I don't know anymore. Where am I going? I don't know that
either. What I want? I don't have any wants, at least I can't think of
any. Well, except, I want this to end. I am still young, how am I
going to face the years ahead, the unknown and the uncertainty?

Can someone tell me...I guess not. How long more? How long more? How long more?