The Time that Ran Away

May has come by and left me, and June is slipping by very quickly too. There is always a tear hanging within, but it has not fallen, not yet. I can't chase back the time that has run away, but what can I do to keep up with its pace? Waiting waiting waiting, what do I really want??? Can someone tell me what is happening in my life now? No, noone can but, only God knows what is in His plan. I want to cease the present, I want to catch the rainbow and I want to be me. So, what is missing? Maybe nothing really... Would you pray with me and let me know what God says at the end? Papa God, hear me and show me thine way!!! I can't even cry now for there is no reason to cry but, there is the urge to shed a tear, funny me.

Books and Films

During my younger days, I was so obsessed with books, and would even
read them while attendin my classes in school. However, my
understanding of English during that time was so limited, and I always
wonder how did I enjoy those books.

Somehow, with the limited comprehension of English, many scenes from
these books are still remembered vividly in my mind. That's one good
thing about reading wit great imaginations!!! And, I also remember
that while I was reading some of the books, they were also shown on TV
as movies series. Some of these books are:

Anne of Green Gables
She
The Scapegoat
Circle of Friends
Jane Eyre
Wuthering Heights
Anne Frank's Diary
The Extra Ordinary Princess

I do not know why these books stay in me, but I would love to read
them once again. I know some I could get as audioboks or ebooks, but
some are so difficult to find. Maybe you could help? I have read 'Anne
of Green Gables' for the fourth time!!! But now, really wish to read
'The Scapegoat' once again.

I know there are so many books worth reading, icluding those classic.
Well, maybe I coud start working on that.

Happy reading!!!

First of May

This title really reminds me of the famous song by the Beegee's! It is
a beautiful song and I like it so much. Well, the first of May marks a
brand-new beginning for me, and a new chapter in my life.

I never thought that I would really embark on a journey to UK, and on
an uncertain mission; volunteering. So, the countdown has begun and
the preparation is in full swing!!! I truly hope that everything would
go on smoothly and I would find favour in the tasks I need to
complete. Suddenly, there is excitement, nervousness, anxiety,
reluctance, happiness, all in one. What a complicated feeling in my
heart.

Well, as I observed before, April has always been a "new beginning"
for the different stage of my life, there is always a difference. Same
as now, April fool's day was not a fool for me, it was a memorable
day!!! The letter from UK arrived which means I could proceed with my
visa application and I am really moving forward!!!

Things I plan to do in the near future:

* Record my songs and compositions
* Journal my journey in life and in music
* Assist those who needs my help
* Continue my journey in music education

You are the witness to my plans and God has the full control. I pray
that God would give me strength, wisdom, and the life to carry these
plans!!! I love God! I love my life! And I love the precious people
around me!!!

Fragile, Fragile

The babies are playing still, the little one is crying for attention
and the bigger ones are trying to fill their time with playing.

Today is definitely a sad day... my sister-in-law's dad has just
passed away this early afternoon. It was a painful and quick
experience... or should I say process??? Somehow, process sounds so
inhumane that I don't feel like using it. The kids went back to the
mother's hometown for a week during the school holidays. They returned
on Sunday. THen, on Monday, M's dad was admitted into hospital. This
was when all the to and fro the hospital began... a nervous and
painful experience.

Last evening, his sickness intensified and M had to rush to hospital
to prepare for the worst. It was still okay. This morning, she went
again, worrying all the time. Then, the doctor told them that a
surgery could be done and M's dad agreed to have it.

Now... he is gone, and forever. How fragile we human beings are!!!

Inspiration

When inspiration comes, I can't sit on it, I have to act on it.
Writing this my heart is istruggling to stay down... because I have to
get the minutes done before they come after me!!!

I have dreaded this minuting simply because it is not easy and ...
with the style the meeting goes, I find it so confusing at times. But,
if I have been trusted with the job, then, I have to carry it out. God
help me!!!

Beautiful One

After a year, so many events, thoughts have gone by, many friends and faces have I seen, many hugs and kisses that I now remember. Now, I hold in my hand a rainbow, and covenant that I made, but where will it lead me? Where will go from here? I see the rainbow, but ... I see not the end of it, can you tell me? I feel that I have a pair of angel's wings, and yet, I haven't felt the wind that could carry me away. Do you hear the call from above? Do you hear the song from my heart? Do you hear me crying? O, how I desire the wind to carry me to the sun, to the stars, to where my rainbow be. Let me see the rainbow always, that I may not go astray, that I will never lose my faith, that I will always remember this day.

Thumping Headache

I am having this terrible headache, plus the sound created by some "noise" categorised as music by some, it is getting worse. After a few hours of this, it is making a great thumping in my head. I wish I could get out from here. O no, this is definitely a torture to me and to my soul. I wish I have a chance to escape to that piano room and shut myself inside but, it is like a glass castle that everyone could see you even you shed a single tear. Horrible place!

Husky, Sexy Voice

Okay, I am having a husky, sexy voice. It has been like that for more than a week and still haven't recovered. My my, how I wish to be well and able to sing like a normal me. Yes, suppose to lead this Friday and backup singing this Saturday, God help me!!! Today is real crazy, first the e-mail system was out and I ended up doing ... no thing, no, not a typo, I did no thing. So, I started to visit some old blogs that I created ages ago and, I landed here and writing away. Of course, i had launched into reading my friends' blogs these days and they are great. I think I need to revive my old self and be myself once again. Not bound by work, not drowned by words of others, not blinded by the spinning and turning of human faces. O, life, how I enjoy it when I jump out of that little box called cubicle, and walk on the paths of thoughts and reality.

It's Good to Be Back

ok, let's if I could write here. Great, I am so glad to be back writing and writing. I guess, one cannot be separated from his/her passion and for me, it is definitely piano and writing. I just love putting down my thoughts and feelings into words that flowss like the river of life, and making music that soothes your soul. Great!!!

The New Me

Well, I am still amazing at what I actually wrote, those lengthy and old posts, with the reasonings and questions and unceasing pesterings. Now, things have changed so much. Once, the questions that bugged me were "what is my calling? What am I supposed to do? How do I serve in God's kingdom? Have I embarked on the right track?" Now, those questions no longer matter, what matters now is the relationship with people, the growth as a Christian, and how deep have I been rooted in the word of God. THe last seven months has indeed been a super-growth for me, spiritually, emotionally, mentally and there have been so many things I just have to learn. They could be painful at times, but they are just inevitable and I know I am definitely a better person now. I think, few month ago a silly thought crossed my mind. I actually felt that I am few years older than my actual age, and I wonder why has three months made such changes. WHatever it is, I thank God for His abundant blessings in my life, and I no longer wants to seek another path or another "call". I am at peace here, but I do seek God's wisdom to handle the different people, the different situations and the different tasks. Sometimes it is just frustrating when things do not work out the way you thought it would. But, out of my experience, God's hands are so mighty and He never stop to amaze us with His great and mighty works. I pray that I would continue to commit everything and anything in my life in to God's strong and mighty hands, for He knows best and He is the greatest!!!

Sonata Return

Hi, It seems I have not drop in any notes here. Well, sorry for anyone who used to frequent this spot, I am sorry. I could not believe that I actually wrote the things I posted before. It is just amazing on whatever I wrote. Recently, or should I say, last two days, I really feel like quitting church, quitting all Christian based studies, and quitting it all. Why? I felt so hurt and painful that I think this should not happen. I challenged God although a moment later I could not bring myself to carry out whatever I told God. I said, "God, if you don't send someone next to me, I won't attend church anymore, no more". But, I gave up, and of course, noone came to sit next to me. It was too horrible and I do question has church grown so cold? Or the problem is on me? I know not where to start. I told myself this would not happen again, not to me or to my fellow friends, no such painful experience. It was too painful. Okay, you might question what actually happened. As usual, we have our Holy Communion. However, sitting on the second row, maybe alone, I was left out. I was not serve the bread and the cup and noone actually noticed that. Well, you might ask, "why not speak up and ask for it?", but those who knows me you know why. I could not stop sobbing throughout the service, I felt ignored and all i wanted was to walk off the sanctuary immediately. However, again my helplessness remains. I sat through the service, sobbing as quietly as I could. I went to bed with tears, I woke up with tears. And don't ask me why was I so "sensitive", it is just a small matter, but it just seems so big to me. Now, I am still quite hurt but, thank God for His peace and I will still attend church and I shall pray for a change or at least, whatever I could do. No, noone deserves this, not a Christian, not someone who needs your extra help. What do you say? But, overall, I would say I have grown tremendously within these four months, and I look forward to be more rooted in the word of God, and be a stronger person in Christ. Thanks for reading.

Reflection

How do I start? I have this struggle in these last few years, and I am still struggling, although not so strongly as before, but it would surface from time to time. What struggle? Well, about church, about serving, about my relationship with God, about my Christian walk. Since I was born again, I have prayed an earnest prayer, “Lord, use me, Lord send me”, and I really do mean what I prayed. However, I am still stuck after ten years, not much of serving or ministering, just a small figure in church, quietly coming and going. Well, in 2005, I did have a so-called breakthrough when I switched from the English service to the Chinese service. Currently, I am one of their pianist, and I am also involved in the administration of the … different management/administration teams. Yes, I am involved and often called to put in my effort. But, have I grown? I would say I am more attached to church now after 2 years of disappearing and reappearing, feel more belonged to, and glad that at last there is something I can do for the church. But, did I grow spiritually? What kind of spiritual fruit have I reaped? Okay, let’s see, during my wandering years, I was introduced to Rev. Stephen Tong’s teaching and it was exciting, uplifting and revealed a new view of things around me as a Christian. I am no longer bound to the holy of holies, the spiritual realm, the heavenly forces, but a rooted life as a Christian on this earth, in a chaotic world, as God’s ambassador, as God’s image, as God’s messenger to the people. Yes, that’s what I thirst and hunger for, but how come I fail to feel or see such elements in my spiritual walk? Have I overlooked them? Or did I purposely neglect those teaching I deemed as “not what I look for”? O…, that “stagnant” status again. Now, what am I still looking for? Someone once commented, “hey, it’s time you give whatever you have and not just receive”, and I always feel that I am insufficient to give. So, which one come first, relationship with God and spiritual growth? Serving God and serving people? And, how do I become a humble Christian? Could someone give me some guidance and maybe, give me some light. O yes, suddenly I am reminded of Ezra, in an online theology foundation course, he is portrayed as someone who studied the word of God, obeyed the word of God, then only taught the word of God to the people. Have I answered my own questions?

WWJD

Does that sound familiar to you? Or have you forgotten about it? What Would Jesus Do? I was never broght up in any Sunday schools, and was born again at 15. However, this simple phrase helped me a lot, and I thank God that I had a good foundation from church and CF in schools. After reading the Article by Eugene Peterson, I asked this question, WWJD? Are we too busy with our 'Christian community'? Nowadays, running a church is almost like running a business, how to keep it operatin well, how to have sufficient funds for the different activities, how to celebrate this and that, how to make sure the 'people' get the job done. I have never really served in a church, but lately I was given the opportunity to be more involved. But at times, I could hardly breathe or starting to feel suffocating, why? One said, "walk an extra mile for God", and I wonder am I denying it by thinking "I don't feel like doing it"? And, why must I keep myself busy in order to keep my mind or myself from sinning? Does that mean a relaxed life leads you easier in to hell? I am caught off balance, so what should be done? How to find focus again?

Angel, Angel!

I have just finished reading “Angels and Demons” by Dan Brown, yes, the controversial man who wrote “The Da Vinci Code”. Someone asked me has my faith been shaken after reading these two books, and my answer is “no”. However, “Angels And Demons” left me with questions which are still fresh and turning in my mind. And, my heart goes out to the Camerlegno, Carlo. If you have read, who impressed you the most? Firstly, I would ask what triggered Brown to write the two books? What was on his mind? One questioning the holiness of Jesus Christ, the other questioning the power of God versus science. Was it Darwin? Was it out of sheer rebellion? Reading “The Da Vinci Code” did not evoke so much emotions in me, it was just another investigative fiction for me, and I was eager to find out how did they decipher the codes and solve the mystery. I even picked up some Hebrew alphabet from there, which is found in psalms. But, “Angels And Demons” has left me feeling rather … sad. The ultimate point in the book was, “God is a lie” and “science if the truth”. Although this is something being sung for centuries, why did Brown bring it out again? Is he telling us that we are so deceived and so wrong all these years? Are we living on lies upon lies by the people around us? Towards the end of the book, Brown has used the Camerlegno to reason for God, but again, we are deceived, he is the brain behind all the murders and … Camerlegno himself is the outcome of “science”; A test-tube baby. How nice it was put, what a trick to play on the readers, and I wonder the impact it gave its readers. Yes, it was only a fiction, but it brought out the very nature of human beings, we are seeking for truth, and we hate to be lied to or deceived by the people around us, especially those that we love. Yet, the Camerlegno felt “deceived” and he himself “deceived” others and at the end, he discovered a further deception. And, at the very end of the novel, the crowd was shield from the “truth” which they long for. So, do you still believe there is truth in God? Do you still believe there is truth in the person next to you? Do you still believe there is truth in Christianity or Catholicism? Or, you would believe that “science” is the only way to discover truth? I myself still hold strongly to my faith, God is the very truth in this universe. He the self-existing God, and who do think created all these mysteries for the scientists to discover? And who do you think has the power or the capability to give human such a mind and brain to question and find out the hidden answers around them? And Rev. Stephen Tong shared a very powerful message last evening, God exists not because you believe He does, or does not exist, He is just simply there from the very beginning. Well, maybe we should thank Mr. Dan Brown, because it is his books that make Christians (those who are being spoon fed all this while) to wake up, think, and find the answers they have ignored in many years. But, do we blame on others or just make it our individual responsibility to stand for God?

My Sonata

No, I have composed any "sonata", but life is still a wondering and puzzling game for me. I feel so tired to say anything anymore, I am decided, the most important thing is giving and serving with a cheerful heart.

Christmas Gifts

Have you ever list down the gifts you want for Christmas? Here is my list for year 2005. 1. YongChang Baby Grand Piano, RM18,000.002. BrailleNote M Power, RM18,000.003. Sony-Ericsson W800I, RM2,000.00 Hahahahah, kind of impossible but, maybe there would be a miracle. Yea!!!

Growing

Recently, I have been feeling rather unsatisfied with my own life. And, when that happens, I started to complain a lot, whether it is lack of things to do, or even busy with things to do. Then, a friend said (enjoy whatever you are doing, live the present. Maybe you have not grown-up still". It struck me at that moment. Yes, I could converse easily with those who are much elder than I am, or even baby-talk to the younger little ones, but have I really grown? Inevitably I have grown physically, mentally and even spiritually, however, I finally realised that I have not let my heart to grow naturally. Is my emotional growth in question? Do we really have to separate between spiritual, physical, mental and emotional? Have you experienced such thorough examination of yourself? And, at the same time, I was again thinking of that simple question which was taught to little children, "what would Jesus do?", and I wonder to. When growing is inevitable, all I want is to grow with the right nutrients and in the right direction.

Rainie, Raining

Wonder why time seems to be rushing all the time? When was the last time you sat by the window an enjoyed the morning sun shining through your windows panes? Or, your place does not allow you to see a glitter of sunshine? When was the last time you saw the moon hanging in the night sky? Or even the stars that were blinking when the sky was clear? When was the last time you actually felt the morning breeze caressing your face, smelling of freshness, giving you a brand-new hope? When was the last time you walked quietly during the break of dawn and thinking of nothing but that particular quiet dawn? Do you miss that all? I do and I miss them very much. I wish to smell the morning, the dusk, the rain and that blazing sun. Have you smelt them before? And, that green grass in the field, have you smelt it before? And the earth after the rain, have you smelt it before? I remember going home on the school bus after a heavy downpour, the smell was so ... nostalgic, and so familiar. The smell of earth. It reminds me of the scout camp in Sabah, it reminds me of life without much boundaries. The sunrise, the sunset, the tranquility of the night, the refreshing coffee smell floating in the dark morning, the roaring engine of a school bus filled with sleepy students in the early morning, even before the streak of first daylight came through. Aaah, I miss all that and I long for that kind of liberty. Do you?

I Am Dreaming

Yes, I am still dreaming of last evening's concert. It was a terrific concert, and I just could not pull myself out of it. I enjoyed it so much and I want to listen to more! Okay, this blog is not that hard to manage and, I am so insane, that I actually spend my morning in the office writing on my blogs, yes blogs. But, boss is in very early today, heheheh. And, reading about Moses biography last Saturday gave me a ... new revelation. I never felt it that way. Moses: Born a Levite, brought up a prince, then a man on the run (wanted), and then, God appointed him to be a leader for Israel. Could you imagine? A prince of the enemy, a fugitive, and you have to lead your people. What a complicated life!

Lost World

Do you know what is happening? Can someone tell me what is happening? What is obligation? What is responsibility? What is life?