Sonata In Life

Surprises, Surprises

2011-12-30T04:40:00.001Z

I realised this morning that I don't really like surprises. To those
who have given me pleasant surprises, WELL DONE YOU!

The emo me...not nice. Never expected my year to end like this. I was
almost in tears, silly SILLY SILLY!

Can someone give me a great big hug??? I need a great big hug! I do!!!

Xiang Ni

2011-12-29T02:58:00.001Z

Mei yi tian, wo dou xiang ni,
Hao xiang hao xiang ni,
Wo hen xiang ni zai shen bian, ke shi ni bu zai,
Zhen de hao xiang ni!

Passion and Frustration

2011-12-19T02:59:00.001Z

Listening to Liszt's Liebestod on youtube repeat...

Someone commented that this piece made her cry at ten in the
morning...the first I heard it, I did not recognise that element as it
sounded very much like banging chords and "noise". Tha's the
difference between playing a music with your heart and soul and
playing the music technically. After nearly one year under the
tutelage of Dr. C, I am struggling a lot. Yesterday, it was the first
time I actually "broke down" towards the end of the lesson.

I was very excited before it, nervous in fact, to the extend that I
could not finish my lunch. I wanted so much to share with him the
"music" I have finally found in the pieces I am learning. And the
moment came. As usual, it did not turn up the way I wanted it - too
harsh, rhythm was in a mess, notes all out of place, DISASTER.

So, we have to go through all the things we discussed before.
Metronome, practise by section, separate hands, in rhythm...I was all
right until the very end. I was so frustrated. I mean, I do all things
he asked me to in regards to my practice sessions. But, why they don't
turn out the way it should...maybe I simply do not spend enough
time???

Another thing is, I find it so hard to find the particular bar he
refers to on my score...aaaah! And when he asked me to play from a
section, I was very lost...I mean, I know my score, but I did not know
what he talked about. I was lost. I hate it that way because it was
like I know my map well but, I don't know what was he referring
to....which point exactly. It was like, he said, "you know start from
that blue building" and in my mind, which blue building??? I have to
know that it is the "blue mosque", and not just a blue buiding.
Because along that long journey, I might see many blue buildings...but
a blue mosque there is only one.

All in all, I was in tears - oh, I did my best to control it. I mean,
I wouldn't want to embarrass him (guys and crying girls). Anyway, I
guess now it is up to me to solve this mystery of falling into pieces
whenever he appears. Oh well, I guess I really have to gear up on the
practices - clocking in 3-4 hours per day??? Let's aim for that.

So, if you are reading, I am sorry that I can't talk on the
phone/skype/over coffee/on the net. It is simply a life and a passion
one wants to pursue for some odd reasons.

God help me!

Moved

2011-12-07T06:28:00.001Z

Now I know that for someone to actually remember your dream is so
moving...yes, someone whom you do not expect to remember it...I am on
the verge of tears.

Recently, I was reminded of my dream which I have been pursuing all
these years and feel it too far-fetched! My tutor wrote:

"I want you to work harder and sit for your diploma so that you can
achieve your dream of becoming a music educator"

So moving...All these while, I feel that I have been "disappointing"
him and frustrating him...but, he has a further mission...Thank God
for my tutor!

All the best in Osaka!

Resigned

2011-12-01T03:40:00.001Z

The music is playing
I think of that warming sun, of that quiet morning
My thoughts--they are floating
I wish they float no more, but settling, finally.

Now, these words, they are meaningless
They cannot say all my desires and wishes
Desires and wishes deep within a heart that's restless
Oh my heart, be still, be quiet, be...

The music continues to play
I go on dwelling in my dreams so far away
Wishing, wishing you are here to stay
But..., maybe I should let go and quench all hopes, maybe...

Blissfulness...

2011-11-30T05:06:00.001Z

Currently listening to Yiruma - Beautiful, soothing, comforting and
sweet. Piano music never fails to calm my soul and at times, my
headaches. Despite the discomfort I experience (aches, pains, fatigue)
I feel enveloped in a state of blissfulness.

What can one ask for than the freedom to do what one enjoys like
playing the piano? Like dreaming away about those beautiful scenes one
hopes for? Like thinking of the one one loves? Like writing and
writing and writing???

With Christmas around the corner, I can't help but think of the "real
meaning" of this special day, and how is it special to me. Yes, it
will not be the first time I am celebrating it but, life has changed
and I have too. Many years ago, it was all about gifts exchange,
visiting friends, eating and fellowshipping and at one point,
evangelistic meeting, lucky draw (although they call it blessed draw),
and doing nothing. Then, I was exposed to a new way of celebrating
Christmas - a family based kind of celebration; having meals around
the table, special treat for each person, gifts from family members,
advent service (in expectation of Christmas), midnight mass welcoming
Christmas, Christmas morning service all about the birth of Christ...

I miss the latter, really miss it. Maybe I should start understanding
the link between Christmas and evangelism? The Christian calendar year
begins with Advent, leading up to Christmas...so, how do we re-focus?
Why do we celebrate Christmas? Is it just another channel to share the
gospel of Christ or is it more? Then, we have Easter...

And, do we tell the story of Christmas or do we tell the story of
being a Christian? Once a friend commented after watching a Christmas
presentation, "that was a Christian message, not a Christmas message".
Any difference?

God helps me!

Dare to Dream

2011-09-07T07:39:00.001+01:00

Yesterday, a lady came to talk to mum and dad about saving up and so
on. She asked me about my dreams. I told her I don't have any dreams,
and no, I don't fancy being famous.

Well, maybe I was lying. I only felt I am too old for my dreams.
Nowadays, it is always about child prodigy and young aspiring artists
and youthful people. Me??? I started piano at 17. Then, I got
distracted by varsity and works...although completing my grade 8, I
never got anywhere. Do I still dare to dream? If not, why have I
stopped dreaming?

Dreams, do I still have the right to dream? Everytime I see someone
perform on the stage, I can only wish that was me. Then, you might
say, "work harder then". Well, does it mean I can give up my job,
don't worry about earning an income and just play the piano.

So many blind musicians out there are struggling to stay afloat,
mostly very determined and stubborn to "complete the music studies".
At the age of 27 or 28, they are still studying and struggling,
without any work experience. I always thought I need a job and earn my
own living...pay for my own expenses...able to treat my loved ones to
something when I need to or want to.

But now, will I regret it one day that I never pursued this dream of
mine? I just enjoy performing but, with my current skills, I dare not
perform. However, every time there is a chance to perform, I enjoy the
moment I get about performing, I simply grow into it.

Will I be a performing pianist?

Things I Wish to Do...

2011-08-27T07:57:00.001+01:00

Here is the list of things I wish to do or have, and never had...well,
taking a risk but I doubt many actually visit this blog

1. Owning a debit/credit card (in Malaysia)
2. Out for a date with a someone
3. Be married and build a family
4. Perform a duet
5. Make payment without fuss over the till (in Malaysia)
6. Have my own internet banking (in Malaysia)
7. Withdraw my own money by myself (in Malaysia)

Are these too much to ask???

Are these too much to ask?

Are these too much to ask???

Are these too much to ask?

Are these too much to ask???

Hello Baby

2011-08-01T16:40:00.001+01:00

They say a child is the gift from God...you are too. But your
stop-over is so short and we can't have enough of you. Oh, so brief...

They love you so much...they really do and I do too...

But, we have to bid you farewell...only God knows...

Baby, how we wish you could have stayed...and add another cheery smile
to many faces...

Yet, you have to leave...it must be tough for your mummy, losing her
daddy only a week ago, and now losing her baby...

Dear God, grant her strength and grant her comfort. Grant her your
peace, and sooth her grief. Bless the family and be with them through
this difficult journey. In Jesus'precious name, amen.

Blogging

2011-07-29T09:19:00.001+01:00

As you red this (not sure how many of "you" are doing so), I am
wondering again about my hobby in writing. Yes, I like to write, I
enjoy writing and playing with words and coming up with catchy,
creative, sometimes humorous phrases. Some of you even suggested that
I should start writing a book...hmmm, I never thought I would.

To date, I have four (4) blogs. Yes. You read it right. To date, I
have four (4) blogs. Well, let's put it this way - In the beginning,
there was only one. Then, I thought I should have a different space
for a different group of readers, exploring different topics. Then,
maybe another new perspective should be expressed in a different
style. And then, my circle of friends expanded, so did my blogging
horizon. Now, out of 4, 2 are halfway active, the other 2 are taking a
unlimited break. However, I do love going back to these pages and
reading them and, actually understand the "me" before. Think.

About the "book", maybe a poetry collection. I am no good at fiction.
I enjoy reading those novels out there, but when it comes to creating
one, I am too factual. And yet, writing a factual book, I am not sure
what area of facts I should explore. So far, the only facts you read
are my random thoughts, scattered ideas, complicated emotions, and at
times incoherent rantings. Still, you read them, bless you!

If my life were a story book, it is definitely not a romance.

It could be a picture book, it could be a travel literature, it could
be a self-help...I am yet to define it.

All right, this is going nowhere, but thanks for reading anyway =)

Be Still, My Soul

2011-07-19T07:02:00.001+01:00

This hymn is so beautiful and I only felt like being on knees and "be still".

"Be Still, My Soul"
by Catharina von Schlegel, 1697-?
Translated by Jane Borthwick, 1813-1897

1. Be still, my soul; the Lord is on thy side;
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul; thy best, thy heavenly, Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

2. Be still, my soul; thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence, let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul; the waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.

3. Be still, my soul, though dearest friends depart
And all is darkened in the vale of tears;
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrows and thy fears.
Be still, my soul; thy Jesus can repay
From His own fulness all He takes away.

4. Be still, my soul; the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul; when change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

Text: Psalm 46:10
Author: Catharine Amalia Dorothea von Schlegel, 1752, cento
Translated by: Jane Borthwick, 1855
Titled: "Stille, mein Wille"
Composer: Jean Sibelius, b. 1865, arr.
Tune: "Finlandia"

He Called Me BABY

2011-07-14T07:39:00.001+01:00

Have you ever wondered why someone would call a person "baby? I often
wonder about that.

As far as I know, I am my mum's "baby" - her most beloved daughter,
noone can replace. In fact, I am listed as "honey baby" on her
phonebook...oops, don't throw up as yet. Other than that, I am
nobody's "baby".

In the past few years, one or two men have called me "babe" or "baby",
all to do with mingling amongst ang mo. But then again, at times I was
not sure if those endearments were truly endearment or mere
"condescending". Anyway, I just played along. So, further to "babe"
and "baby", I got "dear" and once, "darling". Hahahahah!

O, we are talking about men addressing me with those endearments. As
for my girl friends and all other lovely ladies, it is always love,
lovely, gorgeous, dear, sweetheart...I think I like sweetheart. My
English mum and dad often call me "sweetheart"...I think that's very
sweet indeed.

Well, last night, I received this simple email from ...ehem, a man.

"Go to sleep baby!"

Nope, not my father or brothers or boyfriend or anyone close...but
someone I know... =)

Paranoia

2011-06-16T04:36:00.001+01:00

It was the weirdest thing that ever happened - two doses of possible
"intrusion" triggered my long-forgotten gastric, and a terrible one.
Even thinking about it now upsets me tremendously.

I know I am being ridiculous, unreasonable, silly and down-right
childish. What is there to fear? Why the fret? Why let myself got wind
up? Stupidity.

Yet, the fear of "stranger" creeps right into me. And this "stranger"
that seemed to stalk me...can't he stop? Didn't he get it? I am not
befriending a stalker!!!

I want a new identity, I want to be someone else...I wish I can
disappear and start anew. Having strong gastric/heartburn (whatever
you want to call it) and less than three hours of sleep is no fun and
really tips me over. Will take a break from FB.

Missing You

2011-05-30T09:31:00.001+01:00

Missing you is that pitless longing in my heart
Having you by my side is the most comfortable state of life
Yet, I have to bear more longing - more on missing you for sure
And I do hope, this will end, will end, will end with you always by me.

It is complicated, very complicated indeed
One learning to cope with love, and coping it invisibly
The best I can reach is to see you happy
And my prayer is always "may the Lord grant you joy and, bless you abundantly".

Monday's Blues

2011-04-18T07:46:00.001+01:00

It is the very first time I actually experience a Monday's Blues since
I started my new job.

Oh, how could life be so depressing? At least I have my white coffee
to boost my alertness level, and I am feeling so much fresher
comparing to this morning.

I miss you...and I long to talk to you! And I want a hug from you!

Can Monday's Blues be cured simply through a hug?

Oh so blue!

An Afternoon with Me

2011-03-16T07:20:00.001Z

There is running water at the corner of the building, there is piano
music from the computer, there is me, sitting down with a wonder.

It is now the middle of my second week at work, and the stress level
is low. However, just imagine me at a different place...

By the flowing river, listening to the chirping birds in the trees,
Humming to myself or simply being quiet,
And dream away. Oh, the sun hanging in the sky, but the heat not touching me.

Blissfulness!!! What will I be thinking about then? What will my dream
be??? What tune will be playing in my head???

The one who writes, is a creator. The one who paints, is a dreamer.
The one who sings, is soul.

I travel in this world of mine, I peer into this sky in my mind,
And I find peacefulness and that hope that never dies.

I love you!!!

Equality, Equality, Equality

2011-01-25T04:08:00.001Z

Being a person who is blind, there are many issues I often think about
- education for all, employment for all, music for all, living life
just like others and many, many more. It is a tough life for everyone,
not only me and my friends with disability or, parents/carers with
children who has one or more disabilities.

However, more than often, "we" the groups with "disability" in
description or identity, feel we have more battles to fight. It might
be true,....at least it really feels like that. Recently, I myself
wonder, how many times more do I have to stand up again and again and
again and again, after being pushed down? Being pushed down includes
but, not limited to rejection (education, employment, leisure,
managing own finance independently), having someone decide what is
good or possible for you even when you have turned 30, being treated
like a retarded/child even when you only has one disability, being
thought to work/mingle/teach/marry/discuss only within your own kind
(in my case, people who are blind). But, of course, despite all these
moanings, I do have many very good friends who treat me as equals.
Still, at times, I do wish someone would ask me out for a movie at the
cinema to catch the latest. Or, a hanging out with girl friends or any
friends, or even for a date. Hahahah, exactly, just like another girl
you know. Thus, I miss my friends in Penang, my friends in UK, some of
my ex-colleagues. No doubt, at times, we learn how to cope with what I
definitely can't seem to enjoy. But..., it still feels nice to be
asked, no matter who you are, doesn't it?

Besides looking at what I do not get, I also think about what can one
or, should do to make life easier. Oftentimes, the "we" make a lot, I
mean really a lot of complaints about the injustice and inequality of
society towards them. The focus is always "me"and "me"and "myself" and
"i" or "we". It is my prayer that I will "not" ever fall into this
group. How do I mean? Have you ever heard someone said, "well, they
don't understand"? Or, "they are different, that's why our kind
understands better"? Well, nonsense! Since when we human beings
understand each other? Well I mean. And, aren't we all born different?
The point is, how can we make other understand us instead of whining
that they don't. Besides that, how often do we hear phrases like,
"well, he/she should know I can't do it because I am blind/partially
sighted/a wheelchair user/deaf and etc" and, the sayer would end up
feeling so frustrated.

I really do not know how to put this in a better and clearer way but,
I do not need a place for blind workers, a university for the blind, a
church for the blind, a school for the blind (that has more issues to
discuss), or, a computer for the blind, a phone for the blind, a piano
for the blind, a bathroom for the blind. Right, beginning to get
rather muddled up and confusing??? I know, it is such kind of issue.

Basically, I do need help, but not all the time. I might need help to
get myself orientated with a toilet but, not another person inside it
with me (it really happened to me once...hahahah, super embarrassing),
and if we go for a retail therapy, it will be great to join you in
choosing your clothes, bags, shoes, and all other things. And, your
opinion whether I look like an old lady in it, or fab or sweet or
clown is very very very much appreciated. Of course, I am not everyone
so, this is only my opinion.

And, no child who has a disability should be taught to think that
he/she is different. My parents never, although they knew I am. I was
allowed to play hide & seek, jumping ropes, run and catch and many
more. It was nice memories. But, children can be hostile thus,
balancing act is required. Now, has our knowledge and education of
rights and equality empowered or weakened us?

Are we more informative or annoying with our complaints? Are we grumpy
or friendly? Do we fret about being left-out or think of a solution to
avoid this from happening again? Well, for your information, I am
wondering still...

Dream, Dream, Dream

2011-01-15T05:16:00.001Z

I often have so many dreams in me, but at times, I feel so afraid to
say them out - perhaps, the magic of these dreams will vanish after
they are pronounced???

Yet, I want to have these dreams come true, and I believe, I have to
believe in them, then, they will have a greater chance of realisation.

2011 wants/dreams:
An IPod Touch
11" laptop
A trip beyond Southeast Asia
A job closely related to music
Braille Notetaker
Research in music

Lifetime dreams:
Having a family of my own
A fulltime pianist
The salvation of my parents, brothers and their families

I will keep on dreaming and waiting for the day they come true!!!

Random Thoughts

2011-01-12T08:01:00.001Z

Lately, I have been thinking about many diferent issues as well as
talking and discussing with friends over many different topics.

Today itself, we talked about relationship between a blind person and
a sighted person. Of course, we are not talking about friendship, we
were discussing about the romantic relationship. The norm is, at least
here, there are more examples of a sighted girl marrying a blind
husband. As for a sighted man to marry a blind girl...that's super
rare. And most highly educated and capable blind men would prefer a
sighted wife, someone who can drive, ferry children to and fro
school/classes/extra activities and so on. You think love is all about
the heart???

There is also the issue of a blind piano teacher, a blind ballet
accompanist, Christianity and so on. God is dear in my heart...but,
never knew loving Him is so complicated when there aare the issues of
theology, emotional, intellectual, denominational, tradition, and many
more.

And I still wish that I am much tougher and stronger..overcoming my
past hurts. But they really hurt.

I think I at times overestimate myself...I thought I overcame
it...but, obviously, I have not. *sigh*

Just Want to Talk

2010-11-01T09:04:00.001Z

I just want to talk to someone.

But noone is free to talk.

And I can't talk to anyone.

Are you that someone?

Feeling Wretched

2010-10-20T02:56:00.001+01:00

Just finish reading the book to which I suppose to write a review.

It was not an easy read - the thoughts were mostly scattered.

And, this morning, as I was reading it, I felt like throwing up. O...,
I want to throw up now!

Gosh, I still feel like throwing up. God help me!

Get Me Out Of Here

2010-09-28T08:47:00.001+01:00

There is a little voice, very little indeed
Trapped inside, trapped and can't be freed
It says, "let me out, and let me be, or it is just a dream?"
It screamsand screams and screams...

Silence is what you hear
And hope fades away with every tear
Or, they are only the unshed tears
Which flow within and drowning me with fears

I want to believe, truly I do
but my belief and hope are swept up, pushed aside or blown away
Maybe a trace to linger in my grasp, but maybe as brief as the dew
How long will this last, how long will this stay
How long will I...

Bagging 2 Cultures

2010-09-22T13:41:00.001+01:00

Since coming home, it has been awkward. No, I am not saying I am
denying his place I called home, but I have found a second home too.

A friend commented that it is sad to hear me say I prefer England than
my own home country; one I spent only a year, and the other nearly 30
years. However, this is not the first time I feel like this. When I
first went in 2008, I did not want to come back. This place is very
much associated to "hiding myself" and braving it when I did not feel
like it.

Now, sitting here, I have to read mails from England agan and again
and again - yes, I am that homesick. Wen I first arrived in England
last year, I wanted so much to have MacDonald's because I was
homesick. MacDonald's equalled mum. Now, cups of tea equals my English
mum and dad. Homesick again.

In England, we talked verbally about things, and get a cuddle or two.
Here, we hardly talk,...no, we still talk, but not what is in our
hearts. We talk non-verbally - cooking your favourite dish, giving you
your comfort, buying you your favourite sweets, tidying up your
things. I guess, we have never really talked for years so, the
vocabulary is so limited for us to truly express ourselves freely.

I wish I could tell them I am homesick, I am afraid, I am worried, I
amnervous, I am anxious, I am lost. Maybe they know somehow???

Well, I should be thankful really. Ever since my stay in England, mum
has become more and more "chatty"with me. Not that we did not talk
before, in fact, we spent so much time eating out and shopping
together, which meanslots of talking. Yet, this is different, ...I
don't know how to explain it.

Well, this is my life.

Excited Excited

2010-07-08T09:48:00.001+01:00

The feeling of excitement is so good to oneself that I just wish it is
here everyday. Lately, I have been excited about life and about God,
and about what I am doing here. No, nothing exciting happening in
particular, just feeling excited and looking forward to whatever I am
going to do or what is going to happen throughout the day.

I guess, I am re-energised and re-motivated and revived from that
misery self. Hahahah, wonder why it came at the first place??? Now, I
am totally driven to get things done for the day. I am a
workaholic!!!!

Hello There...

2010-07-03T15:33:00.001+01:00

Hey you out there, if you are reading, can you drop me a word???

Well, I think not many read this but, no harm knowing if someone is
listening. Just leave me a word or two, or even better, email me. You
know where to find me.

I Want To Know

2010-07-02T22:40:00.001+01:00

A song that gives me so much pain....

Verse 1:
You always understand what I think inside,
You know the very way to make me smile,
How I wish I could read your soul through your eyes
And see your thoughts that no words can describe

Pre-Chorus:
Maybe it doesn't matter 'cause we live in different worlds,
Though we said, "we are here for each other",
Maybe I might not be the one, to share your hopes and dreams in life,
Still there's a voice within my heart that says,

Chorus:
I want to know should I really let you go,
Though my heart feels
you are the only one so close
I want to know would you ever feel this love
Even when I have never said it out to you

Bridge:
You said to me you have to take this path
And grab this chance to reach the stars you want,
I tell myself I have to let you go
Maybe that's how it should be, maybe, o maybe, o maybe…

Chorus 2: (YR+MH)
You never know how I really miss you so
And the moments you have brought into my life
You never know how I truly hope inside
We would always remain the way we are today

Love, Love, Love

2010-07-02T19:51:00.001+01:00

This is the most mysterious word one can explain...at least to me.

Complicated, undescribable, inexplicable, illogical, totally no words
could say it right.

How does love start? What is love? What is real love and what is false love?

Hahahah, I feel so stupid, feel like a foolish teenager asking stupid
questions, goodness...you can't imagine how I laugh at myself now. I
always believe and still believe, and told my friend, before loving
others, one must love herself/himself. Yes yes, God comes first, but
that does not stop you from loving yourself; accepting the person you
are, not trying to be someone you thought would win favours, slaving
to win someone else's heart, and I don't know what else. No, I am not
saint, this is a reminder to myself.

At this very moment, I can't wait to go home, back to those loving
arms of family and friends, the unconditional love awaiting me.
Sometimes, ...I wish...*sighs*

If you are reading, thank you - God loves you, and I love you. Words
are my strength and yet, many a times, they failed me.

Dear papa God,

You know every desire, every secret in our hearts. And, you hear every
unspoken thoughts and prayers deep in us. Help us papa to be strong,
help us to see You in times of difficulty, help us to listen to your
heartbeat, and follow what is right. In Jesus'precious name, amen.

Foolish Me

2010-06-22T22:36:00.001+01:00

Why did I get myself so worked up? Why did it matter so much? Should
have been more "clever" about it, should have not bothered!

O, only goodness knows what is going on. I must learn, I must
learn...learn to be not bothered, learn to be ...learn not to be upset
like this.

Yes, the fact that I am writing like this means I am still worked up...stupid!!!

You The Tree, I The Flower

2010-06-21T14:28:00.001+01:00

This is crazy but, I promised to write this just for you.

Dedicated to my dearie dearie J:

You are a tree, strong and tough,
You can face the storm no matter how rough,
Always proud of yourself, always want to reach higher,
But, deep inside you, you need some love and care.

I am a flower, fragile and lovely and easily crushed,
So you said, and I believe it's a truth or only half,
But you know me well, you know me truly well,
I am a flower that will last through rain, sun snow and live again.

Hahahah, there you have it. Miss talking to you girl!!!

We must meet up one day soon, back home?

Random Thoughts

2010-06-06T22:10:00.002+01:00

I often call myself a dreamer - and I know I am. But, a dremaer suffers from her own dreams.

Confused??? Lost??? I know not but, I do wonder this state of mind that surrounds me in recent days.

O, yes...I did ask myself whether to pour it all out on this public space??? Not sure...If you read this, maybe not many, bless you. You are reading the gibberish thoughts of someone who are very unsure for the very moment.

It might not make sense, and maybe with hindsight later on, it might be just silliness and rubbish. No, the English life is fine, work is absolutely busy and great, spiritual life is picking up (yes, still picking up speed), and friends & family are definitely on the good side.

I guess I need some distraction to this busy mind of mine...a very good distraction. You, I miss the time when we were at home, you might be able to understand but again, you might not be reading. And you,...Yes the other you might be reading and feeling worried - don't be, maybe just say a prayer for me; peace of God, peace of mind, peace in my heart.

And another you, will you be reading??? *sighs* This is going nowhere and I am going nowhere. I should just go out for a cup of coffee somewhere like the olden days, watch a movie like the olden days, go for an orchestral concert like the olden days,...

Sound so stupid...

Distant Star

2010-03-04T22:14:00.001Z

It is another silent and still night, a mind wandering about the
distant star. Have you ever thought of that distant star? The star you
would not reach? Or you think you would never reach...

They asked what would I be doing when I return home. I said, "I don't
know". I really do not know. Six months, twenty-six weeks, one hundred
and eighty-two days...that seemed a very long time and yet, you know,
and I know, it is never too long a time. A flight of time can leave
you feel so stranded and so left behind. Is there a distant star?

A year ago seemed only yesterday, however, a year to come always
seemed forever. Can anyone explain that logic? Sigh. Sigh. In this
vast universe, in this chase of time, I am noone seeking for nothing
and reaching nowhere.

If I find you my distant star, I would know where lies my little and
narrow path...

The First Love

2010-02-06T16:16:00.001Z

It was a few weeks ago that I was invited to share in one of the
churches here. So, we talked about many things and I remember vividly,
my sharing ended with me saying, "we should be going back to the first
love we had for Jesus". And, that was exactly what I needed in my walk
with God.

But, obviously, as with all things, it was easier said than done. So,
I was thinking how am I going to have a closer walk with Him, to love
Him more, to know what is His plans for my life and my stay here and
many, many more questions. God being God, He brought me to see Him in
the light of that "first love" I once had many years back.

It was unexpected yet, it was so powerful that I could not wait to
read the passage again and again. We were having this regular meeting
for our new church plant and, my colleague read aloud Isaiah 65 for
everyone to ponder on. Yes, it spoke loudly, how great is His love,
how gracious He is, how He never forget and never give up on us, on
me, and how He long to reach us and always there to receive us. That's
it, my first love.

Ever since that moment, my heart is aflamed for Him and I truly thirst
for His word and my heart longs to know Him much, much better than I
have already known and, the longing and yearning just could not cease.
O Lord, I just want to be near You and may your Holy Spirit lead me by
the hand and keep me close to You!!!

Where Are You

2010-01-14T22:59:00.001Z

Sitting here, I am wondering where you are,
Sitting here, I am feeling I need to talk,
Sitting here, I am wishing you are near,
Sitting here, I am hoping you will suddenly appear.

Where are you? Where are you?
Do you know I am thinking of you?
Do you know I am longing to hear from you?
Will I wait and wait and wait and don't see you?

O, my wandering thought, my restless mind,
How I want you to rest and be calm for the night,
My voiceless soul, my wordless heart,
May I find the way to give you faith and hope that shine like the stars.

Christmas 2009

2009-12-25T23:10:00.001Z

This year, it has been the weirdest Christmas ever...or was it extraordinary???

I don't know. First of all, I am in a strange country, England. So,
there were new culture to learn, new people to get acquainted with,
family I could not meet, new weather and environment, and different
festive atmosphere. It was just beyond me and I am just so overwhelmed
with everything. Father Christmas??? He brought me presents and it was
my first time in my many years to wake up with excitement for
Christmas, just like a little child.

Then, it was all about food and relaxing at home after the Christmas
service at church in the morning. And, for the very first time since
my stay here, it was a tremendously relaxing day and fulfilling day.
It was simply great. It was all about eating what you like, watching
the tele, not worrying about the next day.

I do wish that this day would last longer but, it is approaching its
end now and, I just wish it could have been slightly longer. The best
gift??? The day itself and one of my favourite presents was the little
snuggly dog...I thought of naming it Snowy, what do you think?

Another incredible thing was being in touch with a friend whom I have
not been in touch for nearly 5 years now. It was ... incredible.
Anyway, I thank God that I am warm and healthy and had a wonderful
Christmas today. Thank you Jesus!

Letters Home

2009-10-16T09:54:00.001+01:00

Writing letters nowadays seems so distant and foreign. Everyone talks
about emails, blogs, text messages and so on. Well, I have even
received only forwarded emails or rather, chain mails from some
people, or an email with just one phrase.

No, I am not complaining or saying that it is no good, but I just felt
I would love to get "letter", even once a month. Recently, I have been
writing home via emails regularly, which I made it a point to do so,
and these emails come in the form of letters/journals of what is
happening here. However, it means more than that.

Mum only reads Chinese and understands it perfectly. I speak Chinese
but, I don't write it at all. With all these writing for home, there
is one person who does not get to read; mum. But, thanks be to God, I
found a friend who is willing to help me translate my letters into
Chinese so that mum and dad can read them. At times, I wonder if
anyone reads my email because no reply came my way.

Now things have changed. I know deep down, even if I don't get any
reply from a single person, I know for sure that someone is expecting
my weekly letter; mum and dad. With this in mind, I shall continue to
write and for sure, they would be very glad to hear from me, their
beloved princess who is far, far away from home.

First School Assembly

2009-10-05T12:02:00.001+01:00

This morning was the third time I go into the school assembly of High
Ercall Primary. However, the previous two times my participation was
very minimal and, I was mainly observing.

This morning, it is different. we thought it would be good for me to
share about the mid-autumn festival of the Chinese, and tell the
children the legend behind the festival as well as what is the
tradition we Chinese do during such celebration.

On top of that, since I was going to teach them a new song, we
conveniently arranged for me to play the piano while the children were
filing into the school hall. It was great!!! They were so amazed and
so glad to have live music to accompany them in.

The story telling went so well, they was simply fascinated and we
showed them the mooncake. And, I taught them the song "God Is So Good"
accompanied by the piano of course. We had great fun.

The assembly ended with me playing on the piano again while they filed
out of the hall. What a good experience!!! Next week, we would explore
a new topic and hopefully, they could have some fun learning new
things again!!!

God is so good, hallelujah!
God is so good, hallelujah!
God is so good, is so good to me.

Amen!!!!!

Tired Day

2009-10-02T22:29:00.001+01:00

I think this is an accumulation of tiredness from many days out... I
am so tired now even half past ten, and am ready for bed anytime.
But..., again I have to crawl out from my working attire into the
slumberland attire... what a hassle...

Anyway, had a good day in Birmingham. I had Malaysian food; Fried koay
teow and my friend had Nasi Lemak. It was funny but, it was definitely
good. Then, another harvest and another harvest supper. In Birmingham,
we went to the Chinese supermarket and I managed to find mooncakes,
omochi, and spoke some Cantonese.

Later on, I met a Malaysian on the street who was getting me to buy a
new SIM card. Well, I did buy the SIM card and we spoke in Mandarin,
very satisfied and he is from Johore. It is always good to meet
someone who sounds familiar.

I am so Chinese, just very Chinese and it is a bonus to be able to
speak Chinese in one day!!! Thank God!!!

Suddenly, twelve months seem so long and so distant, but I know it is
going to do me good. I just have to face it.

Till later...

Chilly Day

2009-09-23T15:13:00.001+01:00

It is not exactly cold today, however, since last night, I have been
feeling rather chilly. The temperature outside is only 15 and inside
the house, it is suppose to be 20 degree and, I am all chilled up,
since last night. At moments, I can even feel my teeth are tempted to
chatter a little.

Now, during my welcome service last evening, a number of people from
the deanery (meaning a few churches)turned and, my singing went very
well. And o..., I just like the hymns that were put in, they just
spoke what I have on my mind.

It was a brilliant experience and I have never sung like that before.
Hallelujah!!!

I am going out for a little prayer walk later but now, need to set up
my own schedule for work. Till then!!!

The Ministry

2009-09-22T16:58:00.001+01:00

Frankly speaking, I am not sure what would happen twelve months down
the road. But, now everything is in a mess.

I miss piano a lot, and how I wish that there is a piano for me to
play on, a full-size piano/keyboard so that I could play Chopin and so
on.

Will sing for my own welcome service this evening and feeling terribly
nervous about it. I hope it would turn out well and I could cope with
the higher notes.

Do pray for a good piano to come my way.

What is in the plan???
1. Church planting for Bratton
2. Working with young children
3. Helping in the music/worship ministry for the deanery
4. Help out to refine the services for the VIP's within the Diocese

Till Then...

First Week In England

2009-09-21T22:50:00.001+01:00

The first week in England has been all right, however, it is too
chilly and I am getting miserable.

First, there is no piano to practise on. There is a keyboard set up
for me,but it is lacking one octave or two, and that makes playing so
limited. I miss my dear piano a lot.

On the happy note, my host actually took the effort to make me feel
more at home and orientated with the house by putting together the
layout of the house using the lego set. It is a lot of fun and I
really appreciate that as now I could always refer to my map whenever
I am lost. I will try taking pictures of those.

Next, I am going to be involved with the setting up of a new church
within the deanery and that is very exciting. Well, basically it is
like starting a baby and hopefully, see it grow!!! Something I do look
forward to and, I do want to be more involved.

I miss home a lot!!! I miss hugs too!!!

The Time that Ran Away

2009-06-12T15:58:00.002+01:00

May has come by and left me, and June is slipping by very quickly too. There is always a tear hanging within, but it has not fallen, not yet. I can't chase back the time that has run away, but what can I do to keep up with its pace? Waiting waiting waiting, what do I really want??? Can someone tell me what is happening in my life now? No, noone can but, only God knows what is in His plan. I want to cease the present, I want to catch the rainbow and I want to be me. So, what is missing? Maybe nothing really... Would you pray with me and let me know what God says at the end? Papa God, hear me and show me thine way!!! I can't even cry now for there is no reason to cry but, there is the urge to shed a tear, funny me.

Books and Films

2009-04-23T04:09:00.001+01:00

During my younger days, I was so obsessed with books, and would even
read them while attendin my classes in school. However, my
understanding of English during that time was so limited, and I always
wonder how did I enjoy those books.

Somehow, with the limited comprehension of English, many scenes from
these books are still remembered vividly in my mind. That's one good
thing about reading wit great imaginations!!! And, I also remember
that while I was reading some of the books, they were also shown on TV
as movies series. Some of these books are:

Anne of Green Gables
She
The Scapegoat
Circle of Friends
Jane Eyre
Wuthering Heights
Anne Frank's Diary
The Extra Ordinary Princess

I do not know why these books stay in me, but I would love to read
them once again. I know some I could get as audioboks or ebooks, but
some are so difficult to find. Maybe you could help? I have read 'Anne
of Green Gables' for the fourth time!!! But now, really wish to read
'The Scapegoat' once again.

I know there are so many books worth reading, icluding those classic.
Well, maybe I coud start working on that.

Happy reading!!!

First of May

2009-04-03T18:36:00.001+01:00

This title really reminds me of the famous song by the Beegee's! It is
a beautiful song and I like it so much. Well, the first of May marks a
brand-new beginning for me, and a new chapter in my life.

I never thought that I would really embark on a journey to UK, and on
an uncertain mission; volunteering. So, the countdown has begun and
the preparation is in full swing!!! I truly hope that everything would
go on smoothly and I would find favour in the tasks I need to
complete. Suddenly, there is excitement, nervousness, anxiety,
reluctance, happiness, all in one. What a complicated feeling in my
heart.

Well, as I observed before, April has always been a "new beginning"
for the different stage of my life, there is always a difference. Same
as now, April fool's day was not a fool for me, it was a memorable
day!!! The letter from UK arrived which means I could proceed with my
visa application and I am really moving forward!!!

Things I plan to do in the near future:

* Record my songs and compositions
* Journal my journey in life and in music
* Assist those who needs my help
* Continue my journey in music education

You are the witness to my plans and God has the full control. I pray
that God would give me strength, wisdom, and the life to carry these
plans!!! I love God! I love my life! And I love the precious people
around me!!!

Fragile, Fragile

2009-03-25T06:35:00.001Z

The babies are playing still, the little one is crying for attention
and the bigger ones are trying to fill their time with playing.

Today is definitely a sad day... my sister-in-law's dad has just
passed away this early afternoon. It was a painful and quick
experience... or should I say process??? Somehow, process sounds so
inhumane that I don't feel like using it. The kids went back to the
mother's hometown for a week during the school holidays. They returned
on Sunday. THen, on Monday, M's dad was admitted into hospital. This
was when all the to and fro the hospital began... a nervous and
painful experience.

Last evening, his sickness intensified and M had to rush to hospital
to prepare for the worst. It was still okay. This morning, she went
again, worrying all the time. Then, the doctor told them that a
surgery could be done and M's dad agreed to have it.

Now... he is gone, and forever. How fragile we human beings are!!!

Inspiration

2009-03-20T08:48:00.001Z

When inspiration comes, I can't sit on it, I have to act on it.
Writing this my heart is istruggling to stay down... because I have to
get the minutes done before they come after me!!!

I have dreaded this minuting simply because it is not easy and ...
with the style the meeting goes, I find it so confusing at times. But,
if I have been trusted with the job, then, I have to carry it out. God
help me!!!

Beautiful One

2008-08-11T09:06:00.004+01:00

After a year, so many events, thoughts have gone by, many friends and faces have I seen, many hugs and kisses that I now remember. Now, I hold in my hand a rainbow, and covenant that I made, but where will it lead me? Where will go from here? I see the rainbow, but ... I see not the end of it, can you tell me? I feel that I have a pair of angel's wings, and yet, I haven't felt the wind that could carry me away. Do you hear the call from above? Do you hear the song from my heart? Do you hear me crying? O, how I desire the wind to carry me to the sun, to the stars, to where my rainbow be. Let me see the rainbow always, that I may not go astray, that I will never lose my faith, that I will always remember this day.

Thumping Headache

2007-09-05T10:04:00.000+01:00

I am having this terrible headache, plus the sound created by some "noise" categorised as music by some, it is getting worse. After a few hours of this, it is making a great thumping in my head. I wish I could get out from here. O no, this is definitely a torture to me and to my soul. I wish I have a chance to escape to that piano room and shut myself inside but, it is like a glass castle that everyone could see you even you shed a single tear. Horrible place!

Husky, Sexy Voice

2007-09-04T08:05:00.000+01:00

Okay, I am having a husky, sexy voice. It has been like that for more than a week and still haven't recovered. My my, how I wish to be well and able to sing like a normal me. Yes, suppose to lead this Friday and backup singing this Saturday, God help me!!! Today is real crazy, first the e-mail system was out and I ended up doing ... no thing, no, not a typo, I did no thing. So, I started to visit some old blogs that I created ages ago and, I landed here and writing away. Of course, i had launched into reading my friends' blogs these days and they are great. I think I need to revive my old self and be myself once again. Not bound by work, not drowned by words of others, not blinded by the spinning and turning of human faces. O, life, how I enjoy it when I jump out of that little box called cubicle, and walk on the paths of thoughts and reality.

It's Good to Be Back

2007-09-04T07:08:00.000+01:00

ok, let's if I could write here. Great, I am so glad to be back writing and writing. I guess, one cannot be separated from his/her passion and for me, it is definitely piano and writing. I just love putting down my thoughts and feelings into words that flowss like the river of life, and making music that soothes your soul. Great!!!

The New Me

2006-11-05T06:50:00.000Z

Well, I am still amazing at what I actually wrote, those lengthy and old posts, with the reasonings and questions and unceasing pesterings. Now, things have changed so much. Once, the questions that bugged me were "what is my calling? What am I supposed to do? How do I serve in God's kingdom? Have I embarked on the right track?" Now, those questions no longer matter, what matters now is the relationship with people, the growth as a Christian, and how deep have I been rooted in the word of God. THe last seven months has indeed been a super-growth for me, spiritually, emotionally, mentally and there have been so many things I just have to learn. They could be painful at times, but they are just inevitable and I know I am definitely a better person now. I think, few month ago a silly thought crossed my mind. I actually felt that I am few years older than my actual age, and I wonder why has three months made such changes. WHatever it is, I thank God for His abundant blessings in my life, and I no longer wants to seek another path or another "call". I am at peace here, but I do seek God's wisdom to handle the different people, the different situations and the different tasks. Sometimes it is just frustrating when things do not work out the way you thought it would. But, out of my experience, God's hands are so mighty and He never stop to amaze us with His great and mighty works. I pray that I would continue to commit everything and anything in my life in to God's strong and mighty hands, for He knows best and He is the greatest!!!

Sonata Return

2006-08-07T06:20:00.000+01:00

Hi, It seems I have not drop in any notes here. Well, sorry for anyone who used to frequent this spot, I am sorry. I could not believe that I actually wrote the things I posted before. It is just amazing on whatever I wrote. Recently, or should I say, last two days, I really feel like quitting church, quitting all Christian based studies, and quitting it all. Why? I felt so hurt and painful that I think this should not happen. I challenged God although a moment later I could not bring myself to carry out whatever I told God. I said, "God, if you don't send someone next to me, I won't attend church anymore, no more". But, I gave up, and of course, noone came to sit next to me. It was too horrible and I do question has church grown so cold? Or the problem is on me? I know not where to start. I told myself this would not happen again, not to me or to my fellow friends, no such painful experience. It was too painful. Okay, you might question what actually happened. As usual, we have our Holy Communion. However, sitting on the second row, maybe alone, I was left out. I was not serve the bread and the cup and noone actually noticed that. Well, you might ask, "why not speak up and ask for it?", but those who knows me you know why. I could not stop sobbing throughout the service, I felt ignored and all i wanted was to walk off the sanctuary immediately. However, again my helplessness remains. I sat through the service, sobbing as quietly as I could. I went to bed with tears, I woke up with tears. And don't ask me why was I so "sensitive", it is just a small matter, but it just seems so big to me. Now, I am still quite hurt but, thank God for His peace and I will still attend church and I shall pray for a change or at least, whatever I could do. No, noone deserves this, not a Christian, not someone who needs your extra help. What do you say? But, overall, I would say I have grown tremendously within these four months, and I look forward to be more rooted in the word of God, and be a stronger person in Christ. Thanks for reading.

Reflection

2005-12-21T01:49:00.000Z

How do I start? I have this struggle in these last few years, and I am still struggling, although not so strongly as before, but it would surface from time to time. What struggle? Well, about church, about serving, about my relationship with God, about my Christian walk. Since I was born again, I have prayed an earnest prayer, “Lord, use me, Lord send me”, and I really do mean what I prayed. However, I am still stuck after ten years, not much of serving or ministering, just a small figure in church, quietly coming and going. Well, in 2005, I did have a so-called breakthrough when I switched from the English service to the Chinese service. Currently, I am one of their pianist, and I am also involved in the administration of the … different management/administration teams. Yes, I am involved and often called to put in my effort. But, have I grown? I would say I am more attached to church now after 2 years of disappearing and reappearing, feel more belonged to, and glad that at last there is something I can do for the church. But, did I grow spiritually? What kind of spiritual fruit have I reaped? Okay, let’s see, during my wandering years, I was introduced to Rev. Stephen Tong’s teaching and it was exciting, uplifting and revealed a new view of things around me as a Christian. I am no longer bound to the holy of holies, the spiritual realm, the heavenly forces, but a rooted life as a Christian on this earth, in a chaotic world, as God’s ambassador, as God’s image, as God’s messenger to the people. Yes, that’s what I thirst and hunger for, but how come I fail to feel or see such elements in my spiritual walk? Have I overlooked them? Or did I purposely neglect those teaching I deemed as “not what I look for”? O…, that “stagnant” status again. Now, what am I still looking for? Someone once commented, “hey, it’s time you give whatever you have and not just receive”, and I always feel that I am insufficient to give. So, which one come first, relationship with God and spiritual growth? Serving God and serving people? And, how do I become a humble Christian? Could someone give me some guidance and maybe, give me some light. O yes, suddenly I am reminded of Ezra, in an online theology foundation course, he is portrayed as someone who studied the word of God, obeyed the word of God, then only taught the word of God to the people. Have I answered my own questions?

WWJD

2005-12-19T03:08:00.000Z

Does that sound familiar to you? Or have you forgotten about it? What Would Jesus Do? I was never broght up in any Sunday schools, and was born again at 15. However, this simple phrase helped me a lot, and I thank God that I had a good foundation from church and CF in schools. After reading the Article by Eugene Peterson, I asked this question, WWJD? Are we too busy with our 'Christian community'? Nowadays, running a church is almost like running a business, how to keep it operatin well, how to have sufficient funds for the different activities, how to celebrate this and that, how to make sure the 'people' get the job done. I have never really served in a church, but lately I was given the opportunity to be more involved. But at times, I could hardly breathe or starting to feel suffocating, why? One said, "walk an extra mile for God", and I wonder am I denying it by thinking "I don't feel like doing it"? And, why must I keep myself busy in order to keep my mind or myself from sinning? Does that mean a relaxed life leads you easier in to hell? I am caught off balance, so what should be done? How to find focus again?

Angel, Angel!

2005-12-15T01:53:00.000Z

I have just finished reading “Angels and Demons” by Dan Brown, yes, the controversial man who wrote “The Da Vinci Code”. Someone asked me has my faith been shaken after reading these two books, and my answer is “no”. However, “Angels And Demons” left me with questions which are still fresh and turning in my mind. And, my heart goes out to the Camerlegno, Carlo. If you have read, who impressed you the most? Firstly, I would ask what triggered Brown to write the two books? What was on his mind? One questioning the holiness of Jesus Christ, the other questioning the power of God versus science. Was it Darwin? Was it out of sheer rebellion? Reading “The Da Vinci Code” did not evoke so much emotions in me, it was just another investigative fiction for me, and I was eager to find out how did they decipher the codes and solve the mystery. I even picked up some Hebrew alphabet from there, which is found in psalms. But, “Angels And Demons” has left me feeling rather … sad. The ultimate point in the book was, “God is a lie” and “science if the truth”. Although this is something being sung for centuries, why did Brown bring it out again? Is he telling us that we are so deceived and so wrong all these years? Are we living on lies upon lies by the people around us? Towards the end of the book, Brown has used the Camerlegno to reason for God, but again, we are deceived, he is the brain behind all the murders and … Camerlegno himself is the outcome of “science”; A test-tube baby. How nice it was put, what a trick to play on the readers, and I wonder the impact it gave its readers. Yes, it was only a fiction, but it brought out the very nature of human beings, we are seeking for truth, and we hate to be lied to or deceived by the people around us, especially those that we love. Yet, the Camerlegno felt “deceived” and he himself “deceived” others and at the end, he discovered a further deception. And, at the very end of the novel, the crowd was shield from the “truth” which they long for. So, do you still believe there is truth in God? Do you still believe there is truth in the person next to you? Do you still believe there is truth in Christianity or Catholicism? Or, you would believe that “science” is the only way to discover truth? I myself still hold strongly to my faith, God is the very truth in this universe. He the self-existing God, and who do think created all these mysteries for the scientists to discover? And who do you think has the power or the capability to give human such a mind and brain to question and find out the hidden answers around them? And Rev. Stephen Tong shared a very powerful message last evening, God exists not because you believe He does, or does not exist, He is just simply there from the very beginning. Well, maybe we should thank Mr. Dan Brown, because it is his books that make Christians (those who are being spoon fed all this while) to wake up, think, and find the answers they have ignored in many years. But, do we blame on others or just make it our individual responsibility to stand for God?

My Sonata

2005-12-07T08:17:00.000Z

No, I have composed any "sonata", but life is still a wondering and puzzling game for me. I feel so tired to say anything anymore, I am decided, the most important thing is giving and serving with a cheerful heart.

Christmas Gifts

2005-12-07T08:09:00.000Z

Have you ever list down the gifts you want for Christmas? Here is my list for year 2005. 1. YongChang Baby Grand Piano, RM18,000.002. BrailleNote M Power, RM18,000.003. Sony-Ericsson W800I, RM2,000.00 Hahahahah, kind of impossible but, maybe there would be a miracle. Yea!!!

Growing

2005-10-27T01:24:00.000+01:00

Recently, I have been feeling rather unsatisfied with my own life. And, when that happens, I started to complain a lot, whether it is lack of things to do, or even busy with things to do. Then, a friend said (enjoy whatever you are doing, live the present. Maybe you have not grown-up still". It struck me at that moment. Yes, I could converse easily with those who are much elder than I am, or even baby-talk to the younger little ones, but have I really grown? Inevitably I have grown physically, mentally and even spiritually, however, I finally realised that I have not let my heart to grow naturally. Is my emotional growth in question? Do we really have to separate between spiritual, physical, mental and emotional? Have you experienced such thorough examination of yourself? And, at the same time, I was again thinking of that simple question which was taught to little children, "what would Jesus do?", and I wonder to. When growing is inevitable, all I want is to grow with the right nutrients and in the right direction.

Rainie, Raining

2005-10-19T01:54:00.000+01:00

Wonder why time seems to be rushing all the time? When was the last time you sat by the window an enjoyed the morning sun shining through your windows panes? Or, your place does not allow you to see a glitter of sunshine? When was the last time you saw the moon hanging in the night sky? Or even the stars that were blinking when the sky was clear? When was the last time you actually felt the morning breeze caressing your face, smelling of freshness, giving you a brand-new hope? When was the last time you walked quietly during the break of dawn and thinking of nothing but that particular quiet dawn? Do you miss that all? I do and I miss them very much. I wish to smell the morning, the dusk, the rain and that blazing sun. Have you smelt them before? And, that green grass in the field, have you smelt it before? And the earth after the rain, have you smelt it before? I remember going home on the school bus after a heavy downpour, the smell was so ... nostalgic, and so familiar. The smell of earth. It reminds me of the scout camp in Sabah, it reminds me of life without much boundaries. The sunrise, the sunset, the tranquility of the night, the refreshing coffee smell floating in the dark morning, the roaring engine of a school bus filled with sleepy students in the early morning, even before the streak of first daylight came through. Aaah, I miss all that and I long for that kind of liberty. Do you?

I Am Dreaming

2005-09-26T01:49:00.000+01:00

Yes, I am still dreaming of last evening's concert. It was a terrific concert, and I just could not pull myself out of it. I enjoyed it so much and I want to listen to more! Okay, this blog is not that hard to manage and, I am so insane, that I actually spend my morning in the office writing on my blogs, yes blogs. But, boss is in very early today, heheheh. And, reading about Moses biography last Saturday gave me a ... new revelation. I never felt it that way. Moses: Born a Levite, brought up a prince, then a man on the run (wanted), and then, God appointed him to be a leader for Israel. Could you imagine? A prince of the enemy, a fugitive, and you have to lead your people. What a complicated life!

Lost World

2005-09-23T14:03:00.000+01:00

Do you know what is happening? Can someone tell me what is happening? What is obligation? What is responsibility? What is life?

New Try

2005-09-23T05:53:00.000+01:00

can this work? First of all, thanks to resuscitate and busy bee. Okay, now i actually have three "blogs". Hahahahahah.